


The truth is in the water

by LisaBell



Category: Sanditon (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ballroom Dancing, Cricket, Crime, Donkeys, Dresses, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Multi, Sequel, Siblings, Sick Character, Swimming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:08:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 26,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26836462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LisaBell/pseuds/LisaBell
Summary: Charlotte arrives back in Sanditon two years later. She finds out some things have changed drastically while the wind still blows as stubbornly as ever.
Relationships: Alison Heywood/James Stringer, Arthur Parker/Original Male Character(s), Charlotte Heywood/Sidney Parker, Diana Parker (Sanditon)/Original Male Character(s), Lord Babington/Esther Denham
Comments: 218
Kudos: 281





	1. Unexpected findings

It had been nearly two years since Charlotte Heywood had left Sanditon. Now she spent all her time knitting and waiting for nothing to happen. She had adapted quite well to that way of life, doing something simple but useful in order to not think of him. Some days, however, she failed miserably.  
The seasons went by and she had fashioned a jacket for each of her many siblings. Every governess would praise her delicate handiwork. Most of the time Alison sat by her side and read something or played the old piano forte that was horribly out of tune. The Heywoods could not afford to fix it and Charlotte had grown used to the disharmony in her sister’s recitals. 

It was nearly twenty-four months after a certain carriage had lost its track when Mrs. Heywood opened a letter. It was an invitation by a Ms. Lambe. Mrs. Heywood could remember the name vaguely from other letters that arrived now and then. She also knew her daughter Charlotte had stopped answering, and even reading them a long time ago. She was glad to have disrupted her daughter’s privacy with this one as it invited her and Alison to visit Sanditon for the coming season.  
Both of the girls were of age to marry now. As their father never left town, they had little chance to meet eligible bachelors. A lengthy trip to Sanditon would definitely alter that prospect. Mrs. Heywood was also aware a certain gentleman had broken Charlotte’s heart, but it was time to move on. Girls had only so many summers to present themselves to the world before being labelled a spinster. Mrs. Heywood had a lot of daughters and their estate offered not much wealth. If the eldest did not make a match, all of their futures were at stake. So Mrs. Heywood, being a little plotter, planned to spread the word to Alison first in an attempt to get her excited. 

A week later, the Heywood sisters departed in a carriage that Ms. Lambe had sent. Charlotte accompanied her younger sister to her debut, and they would stay at a newly refurnished apartment of Ms. Lambe. In theory Charlotte chaperoned, but in theory alone.  
Apparently, the young Ms. Lambe had spared no expense to lure her friend back to town. Mrs. Heywood was confident her two girls would be chaperoned just to her satisfaction, enough to not fall from grace and too little to prevent the anticipated matchmaking.  
As the carriage halted, the Heywood sisters climbed outside. Georgiana Lambe was grinning form one ear to the other. Next to her stood Arthur Parker and Lady Babington. She smiled as distantly and politely as ever while Arthur couldn’t help himself and provided a kiss on the back of each of the sisters’ left hands. Then, out of thin air, Charlotte was cradled in a heartfelt embrace. “My dear Charlotte, I’m so very happy to see you!”, Georgiana announced.  
The little party went inside, and Charlotte knew it was the building that had burnt to the ground the last time she had been here. Now, all the walls were shining or covered in splendid art-work. “Mr. Stringer and his men have done fine work here”, Charlotte said. “Indeed, they have”, Georgiana admitted with a smile. Charlotte’s eyes wandered. Alison gaped in awe. But Georgina being Georgina did not waste any more time on the matter. “We prepared a picnic for you to remember the good old days.” Her grin was devilish. “My brother will attend as well”, Arthur added with his innate enthusiasm. For some reason Georgiana did not like that. Maybe something bad had happened between her and Tom Parker. Now, being her own woman at twenty-one, she had at least no longer to suffer a guardian. Georgiana had never liked being a ward. Her independence suited her, decided Charlotte as she watched her striding through the hall like a queen. 

They had only dropped off their luggage when the little party went to the beach. Upon their arrival Charlotte’s hair started whirling around in a cold breeze and she smiled. It was early in the season and only a handful of people walked along the strip of sand. It appeared to be the peak of low tide.  
A few steps away two figures were sitting on blankets. One was huddled in a thick, black coat. The other was facing them and stood up to welcome the party. It was Lord Babington. His wife completely shifted her usual rigid stance and ran toward him, skirts flying. Her face lost all stiffness, and a smile invaded her cheeks. The two came back to Georgiana, Charlotte and Alison, so Lord Babington could exchange formalities. This unexpected display of affection from Esther had eclipsed the other gentleman for a moment.  
When they all settled on the sheets, it was Charlotte’s turn to gape. Not in awe, but in terror. As quickly as possible she gathered her senses. The man already kneeling on the blanket was not Tom Parker. In fact, she doubted she knew that man at all. It was Sidney Parker, yes, and yet she had never seen this man before. His face was pale, little flakes crumbling from his chin. The stern jaw tightened the skin around his hollow cheeks. From head to toe this man looked sick. He had nothing in common with the tall and handsome gentleman she had been obsessing over for too long. The man who had emerged from the sea right next to her looking healthy and young like a god, who was so headstrong and a little sardonic at times. One strand of his formerly pristine dark hair had even a touch of grey. Whatever had happened to Sidney was far worse than all her unsatisfied longing of the past months.  
“Mr. Parker, are you well?”, Charlotte asked with a suspicious crack in her voice completely ignoring the conversation that had ensued among the others. Everyone else seemed not shocked by his looks. “Quite well. Thank you, Ms. Heywood.” He was not, even a blind man could see that. Her heart broke for a second time when she met his gaze. The fire and passion that once had burnt brightly there, the love she had seen inside them – it was all gone. His glance was empty as if the ocean had flushed out his very soul. Whatever had happened to him, Charlotte sensed the sudden urge to make it better, to embrace him, to reverse all the wrong he had suffered. And yet she knew she couldn’t. He was married to another.


	2. A restless heart

The next morning Charlotte’s head was still spinning with Sidney’s worrisome state. She desperately tried to turn her mind to something else. Mr. Sidney Parker had never been her concern to begin with. If only her heart had known it, too.  
Alison saved her from any more brooding by proposing to have a bath in the sea. Actually, it was not a humble request, but a demand. Sidney and several other members of the polite society in Sanditon had found Charlotte to be an opinionated young lady – Alison was much worse in that respect. However, Charlotte was neither in the mood, nor in the position to knock this wish off. Instead she welcomed the distraction. So, the Heywood sisters made their way to town. They took their time to explore the streets and the coastline. Before leaving the house, Charlotte had penned a short note to Mary Parker in case her and the girls wanted to join them at the beach later that day.  
After a short leisurely stroll along the cliffs, Charlotte and Alison found Mary and all her children already playing in viewing distance of the bathing machines. Henry, now about one head taller than the last time Charlotte had laid eyes on him, was just finishing an enormous sandcastle which was clearly the work of several days. The clever little boy had erected his fortress far enough away from the hungry waves that feasted on the beach.  
The wind was less strong that day and all the ladies’ pretty hats stayed in place. Mary’s daughters had managed to ruin their dresses all the same. Some ribbons fluttered behind them like tiny, colourful tails. The sight made Alison and Charlotte chuckle. They had not been so different a couple of years back.  
“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Ms. Heywood, and it’s lovely to have you back here, Charlotte!”, Mary welcomed them. The girls were not so proper in their greeting and nearly deranged Charlotte’s dress as well. Henry was starting on his path to be a gentleman and took a little more caution. His sweet face, however, was also radiant with joy. The anticipation to find a new friend in Alison, who was as eager to play with them as Charlotte had been, made all of their small faces glow with excitement.

After a thorough examination of Henry’s castle, the ladies left the boy and his little brother to the supervision of Ms. Johns, the new Governess of the Parkers. Brimming with confidence, Alison walked to the bathing machines. The water was as cold as Charlotte recalled. They changed in a hurry after the cart had been drawn deeper into the waves. Alison squeaked as her toes entered the sea. A moment later, her whole body sunk underneath the surface and she rose from the water like a mermaid, clearly enjoying herself. Charlotte followed her and the chill washed all thoughts from her troubled mind and the happiness of everyone else reached her heart, too.

On the way back Mary invited them for tea and the sisters gladly accepted. Alison praised every façade they passed in her usual enthusiasm, which challenged even Arthur Parker’s nature. She was so lost in her speech, she bumped into an innocent passer-by.  
“Oh, how clumsy on my part! Please accept my apologies, Sir!” But the man she had literally run over just smiled. Charlotte had missed his kind features. It was Mr. James Stringer. “Not at all, Miss! The fault is mine. But I’m glad you like the view!” Then he turned to the rest of the party. “Mrs. Parker, children, it’s a pleasure to see you!” At the sight of Charlotte he paused. “Mr. Stringer, how very lovely to meet you again.” She dropped the tiniest of curtsies. He nodded in response, his smile broadening. “And who is this charming young lady?” “May I present, Ms. Alison Heywood, my sister.” “I see”, he replied, and his voice hid a silent laugh. “We have already admired your fine work at the inside of one of Ms. Lambe’s apartments, haven’t we, Alison?” Her sister, usually the talkative type, just managed a nod.  
After a short silence he smiled again and took off by tapping his hat. “Good day then, ladies!” What an awkward encounter, thought Charlotte as they made their way to Trafalgar House.

After tea and talk of meaningless courtesies, Alison went to play with the girls. Mary and Charlotte stood alone in the hall as Tom was off attending his duties. It was silent for a bit and Sidney’s handsome features looked down on them from his portrait. Charlotte returned the gaze and Mary did not fail to notice where her thoughts had wandered. “You saw him yesterday then, I take it?” “I did.” Charlotte’s voice was not hiding her concern. All happiness in the room faded. “He’s… changed.” “I know, my dear friend.” Mary was calm, and yet full of sympathy. “I know it is not my place to ask, but, nobody seems to be worried by his looks. I mean…” “I understand perfectly well, dear Charlotte”, Mary interrupted her flow of words. “We may not show it, but Tom and I, we are deeply troubled by his current condition. Be assured, we do see his…” She took a moment to select the word. “His constant faintness and absence of mind.” Charlotte mustered a tiny smile, sad and gone in a heartbeat. Then something entirely unexpected happened. Mary took Charlotte’s hands in hers and started to pour out her heart. It was so much worse than Charlotte had feared.  
“It started shortly after the wedding in London. We all hoped he would enjoy married life. But he clearly doesn’t. On top, he fell ill that same autumn and he could not return for a visit to Sanditon until Christmas. He had to give up his business in London altogether due to his condition. During the holidays he was so weak he could not return to London the day he had planned to. He gave us a serious fright on Christmas day when he came down with a fever! We managed to keep him here for the whole of winter, and he recovered nearly to his former strength. One could tell he was missing you, but he had started to lend Tom a hand in all business matters of Sanditon. A very welcome offer of help I might add! He convinced Lord Babington and his wife, and even his former ward Ms. Lambe to invest great sums in new projects!” She went on praising Sidney’s achievements, how they became independent of Lady D. Then she got lost in the tale of Lady Babington and her mysterious endeavour to sell exotic clothing which she designed herself. What a scandalous occupation for a lady!  
Mary stopped talking in the middle of a sentence. Her whole posture gave away she wanted to find comfort in brighter things and shallow gossip when both their minds spun around the same man. Charlotte just stood there, her heart on fire. Sidney had been like this for longer than a year, good heavens! Charlotte sensed a lump form in her throat. First, she had been shocked by Mary’s bluntness about his state and his feelings toward her. Later Charlotte’s soul just froze deeper with every truth Mary spilled. In the end she nodded silently, and Mary resumed speaking quieter than before.  
“Now his routine is to arrive on Mondays, and he usually stays for half a week. The sea air and the calmness of Sanditon becomes him. You will see! By Friday he doesn't look so frail anymore. The truly troubling part is, just a fortnight in London sets back all the progress he makes when he’s here.” Mary sounded utterly defeated. Charlotte’s worst nightmare became true. She had tried not to judge people on hearsay anymore, but this was too much! Did Mary not see? It had nothing to do with the sea air, or chilly breezes. It was her – Eliza Campion! Eliza Parker now, Charlotte reminded herself. She turned her gaze from the floor to her friend. The truth was written all over Mary’s face. She knew as well. She would never admit it, but deep hidden inside herself Mary knew. Sidney had sacrificed his happiness, even his health it appeared, on the altar of the family’s survival.

The hall fell silent again. The friends tried to find comfort in each other’s understanding gaze. Their wordless agreement was interrupted as the door flew open.  
“Good day, Miss Heywood. Mary!” As if he wanted to prove them wrong Sidney entered the house in three long strides. There was no topper on his head and the tiny grey strand called him out on his performance. His lips still sported a thin smile. He wore one of his wide black coats that perfectly hid every change of his stature from the world. He halted between the ladies and looked from one to the other. Charlotte was not yet in the state to return his greeting. She just stared at him, rendered speechless. Instead she could feel how her cheeks flushed. “Have I arrived at a bad time?”, Sidney asked. He clearly felt the awkward silence, too. “Not at all. It’s a pleasure to see you again so soon”, Charlotte replied with all poise she could find within herself. He already looked better than the day before, Charlotte decided and finally returned his smile. Only then she realised Sidney had not arrived empty handed. “I did not welcome you properly on the beach yesterday, Miss Heywood. I've come to make up for my lack of hospitality." He paused. "I found this the other day and I recall I interrupted you once when you were looking for the treasures of the sea.” His dark eyes grew wider, his hand moved a little forward, and his lips curved the tiniest bit upward. There it was, his cheeky grin. Charlotte’s mouth went dry as she relived the encounter at the beach two years ago. Sidney remembered it just as clearly, she figured and took the gift. “Thank you, Mr. Parker. How thoughtful of you.” Her face was beaming red and Mary looked confused. “A pleasure, Miss Heywood”, he replied and left as fast as he had rushed in.  
Mary smiled sadly while Charlotte took a closer look at the shell. Even in the dimmed light of the hall it sparkled like the night sky. Shades of blue, grey, and red shimmered on its perfectly smooth surface. Charlotte’s fingers softly redrew the lines of its edges.  
Without a further word Charlotte put the tiny present in her pocket and went to find Alison. It was time to leave. She had no desire to discuss this encounter with anybody. Not yet at least as she had not figured out herself what it meant. But she was sure of one thing. Sidney might be changed and yet he was still there. She just had to lure him out of his shell and maybe, just maybe, he had just invited her to do so.


	3. Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is mostly about Mr. Stringer. He needs his room in the story, too, doesn't he?

As if the weather wanted them to stay indoors, it poured the next two days. Sidney did not enter his brother’s house, but Charlotte fled her apartment with her sister in search of distraction from the little shell she turned in her pocket over and over. At Trafalgar House, Charlotte returned to the delicate needlework she had grown so used to and, completely in tune, Alison took her seat at the piano forte of the Parkers. They owned a fine instrument which they had just purchased to further their daughters’ education. Alison had fun playing duets with the eldest daughter of Mary. She and the girl giggled whenever a fourhanded piece ended in a chaotic finger frenzy. Ms. Johns, the Governess, was bewildered by their open outbursts of joy and laughter which she deemed unladylike.  
From time to time Mary had a little chat with them. The only noteworthy news were that Diana Parker was now Diana Chen. She had married a Chinese healer. What a surprise! It was quite the scandal when Mr. Chen and Herr Fuchs had a quarrel about how to best treat Diana’s seasonal headaches. The unofficial competition was won by Mr. Chen, a lot of needles, and exotic herb infusions. Or maybe it was won in Diana’s heart, who could tell after all?  
When the sun finally came out again, all happened at the same day. Only a mere week was left till the opening ball of the season. Mary wanted the Heywood girls to invite Lady D to the event. The Parkers were currently not on the best terms with the old matriarch as she had redrawn her investment and the Parkers had turned to new business partners instead. The old Lady hated to be refused, but, being replaced with the likes of Georgiana Lambe was despicable to her. The Heywood girls were a subtle way to offer an olive branch in the form of an invitation to the ball. They were both sweet to look at and yet innocent of any quarrel between the Parkers and Denhams. Mary asked Charlotte whether she could be her somewhat impartial ambassador on such a delicate mission of familial diplomacy. Charlotte just smiled at the care with which Mary handled affairs behind the curtains of official business, and she agreed without second thought.

On the way up to Sanditon House, Alison and Charlotte could soon see Lady D’s latest project. In lieu of supporting the renovation of town houses the old matriarch had full-filled her heart’s desire. The Heywood sisters halted in front of the newly erected donkey stall. They could hear the healthy “Hee haw!” from inside. On the roof of the impressive stone building, the works had not been finished yet. In front of the entrance two men were engaged in conversation as Alison and Charlotte came closer.  
“Ms. Heywood. I’ve heard you were in town. It’s a pleasure as always”, said Mr. Robinson who stood next to James Stringer. They all greeted one another.  
“These stalls really catch the eye, Mr. Stringer”, concluded Charlotte and the men laughed. “Aye, they do. Only the best is good enough for her Lady’s asses.”  
“Are there donkey riding tours at the beach?”, Alison asked. “You’re a fearless young lady, Miss. But, indeed, there are donkey tours planned this season. If you stay long enough you might get your chance!”, declared Mr. Robinson.  
James Stringer just listened to Alison’s proclamations and Charlotte knew this gaze all too well. He seemed to be one of the people who fell for somebody in an instant. Two years ago, she had been too busy thinking about the Parkers to notice what he was feeling until she had already broken his kind heart in the politest fashion. They had parted as friends and Charlotte was glad to see him happy again after all the hardship life had put him through.  
Without further ado Alison entered the building. The others followed at her heels. There was still a bucket with fresh mortar and a trowel in the corner.  
“Have you just finished this wall?”, Alison asked while she was inspecting the tool. The men both grinned.  
“You’d be surprised, Alison and I helped to maintain the buildings at our father’s estate. We know a great deal about laying bricks, don’t we, Alison?”, claimed Charlotte.  
“When it comes to girls from Willingden, nothing surprises me anymore”, said Mr. Stringer in return. His whole face told his words were a compliment, not a complaint. Alison flushed and Charlotte smiled. 

Her sister ended up in a substantial conversation with Mr. Stringer, which Charlotte deemed harmless enough to let her stay with him. So, Charlotte entered Sanditon House alone to face the old Lady. It was a dreadful encounter. First Lady D mocked Charlotte because she was not married yet. Then she ranted about the Parkers in her most unpleasant manner. Charlotte endured it and got a sardonic remark on her silence. “Have you finally learnt to keep quiet, child? Truly, you amuse me every time you enter my home!”

When she left, Mr. Stringer and Alison were already awaiting her in front of the door. Mr. Robinson had probably turned back to work. Charlotte chuckled silently and made her way down the stairs. All the while Mr. Stringer was watching Alison’s gestures and listened to her every word. The happiness on both their faces warmed Charlotte’s heart. 

The three of them walked back to town. As they reached the centre, the little party could see Georgiana hurrying down the street with a young man. She stopped in her tracks when she caught sight of them.  
“Mr. Stringer!”, she said and he tapped his head. “Alison, Charlotte, I just wanted to invite you to the dress fitting at Lady Babington’s store!” She paused and turned to her companion. “Otis, you remember Charlotte. And this is her sister, Miss Alison Heywood”, Georgiana closed.  
“Mr. Molyneux. What a delight! I did not expect to see you here”, Charlotte said. Her excitement was sincere.  
“I've just finished talking business with Miss Lambe”, Otis replied with his pleasant smile and took his leave.  
The four others continued together, Mr. Stringer and Alison in front, Charlotte and Georgiana followed closely behind.

“What kind of business, dear Georgiana?“, Charlotte wanted to know. Her eyes had doubled in size and her stare was very demanding. “Yes, business and business only, Charlotte. I pay him to find me suitable workers here in Sanditon. He offers the positions to men and women who just arrived on these freezing shores.”  
She did not explicitly say, but, Charlotte knew these newcomers were all former slaves and Georgiana did tremendous work by opening doors for them to build a life.  
“I admire the both of you!”, Charlotte said, and Georgiana smiled in return.  
“Actually, it was Sidney who made me see what difference I could make in people’s lives with my inheritance.”  
Charlotte gulped at that. It was the first time Georgiana said something about Sidney Parker that resembled a compliment.  
“He isn’t well, though, is he?”, she turned the conversation to her usual line of thought. “Indeed Charlotte, he isn’t most of the time. I used to think he cared only about himself. But as it turned out he didn’t marry this awful Mrs. Campion to better his position. He doesn’t even like her as far as I can tell.”  
Charlotte could have enlightened her friend why Sidney’s heart was not open for the taking. She gently stroked the little shell in her pocket. But Charlotte remained quiet.  
Georgiana took her silence as an invitation to continue speaking. “Mary Parker told me they’ve been engaged before and she left him for an older and more wealthy gentleman. That’s why he came to Antigua in the first place." She paused for a moment, looked around. They even halted before she went on, much quieter than before.  
"Please excuse my bluntness, Charlotte, but I feel you share my concern for him and I need to tell you the appalling truth." Charlotte simply nodded. "Back in the Caribbean, he was frequently drunk and even went to the local whorehouse. I judged him gravely for it. I did not know he was broken hearted at the time, however, even now I cannot fathom why he behaved so unlike a gentleman. I found him to be the worst man in my father’s employ and I was furious when he became my guardian after my father had passed. Never have I ever expected to see him in worse shape than during his early days in Antigua. But in truth he seems to be in a darker corner yet. He barely speaks at public events. Lord Babington approached me in search of answers. What befuddles me most is that Lord Babington hoped to find anything within my knowledge. Apparently, Sidney talks to no one, not even his closest friends, and still all the world can see he's not himself.”  
Georgiana looked to Charlotte and they nodded in unison. They had made the same observation and they did not like what they had found, not in the least.

They did not speak a word until they reached Georgiana’s town house. While Georgiana hurried in, Alison and Mr. Stringer glared at one another for a long time. Finally, she went inside and Charlotte and Mr. Stringer were alone. There was literally no one else on the street. He bit his lips and his look fell to the ground for an instant, and then he made his advance which utterly surprised Charlotte.  
“It’s truly good to see you, Charlotte”, he began. His face was all stern now. “I hope we can speak again…”  
Charlotte started to believe she had completely misread the signs. She was about to interrupt him because she feared she knew all too well what lay on his tongue. But she was wrong.  
“No, Charlotte”, he stopped her from speaking up, “as friends. You seem troubled. The whole walk you have barely spoken. I just wanted to offer my help if it is of any worth or use to you.” “Thank you, Mr. Stringer, that is very kind and generous of you indeed.”  
He smiled and deranged his curls altogether by ruffling through them with one hand. His topper rested under the other arm. “For friends, it is James”, he offered.  
“James it is then”, she replied and mirrored his smile as broadly as her heart could bear it.  
Charlotte considered his words and decided to not lose time anymore. He was a man after all, perhaps he knew. “I wonder why all men hide behind masks. It is so hard to uncover what your gestures and remarks are supposed to mean in truth”, she added while her fingers were enclosing Sidney’s little gift in a tight fist.  
“Maybe we do not want to drive away what is precious to us”, James suggested. “So how can a young lady know what these gestures mean? Are we to guess?”, Charlotte asked plainly and a glimpse of her former outspoken self reached the surface.  
James chuckled and flushed a little. “Maybe just ask him, Charlotte”, he concluded. His eyes grew wide and his brows underlined his words with the softest frown.  
“You’re probably right, James”, Charlotte said and her feet began to move. She waved him goodbye and did not bother to enter the house. Georgiana and Alison could wait. Instead she ran down the road to the Crown Hotel. She deserved an answer. What was this shell supposed to mean?

She needed to catch her breath when the hotel came in sight. Her heart was pounding, her hands trembling. She took the stairs and a man opened the door right when she was reaching for the knob. Of course, it was him.  
“Ms. Heywood!” All of the sudden her brave words had fled her mouth. “What is it?”, he asked. Mary had been right. The colour had returned to his cheeks, his eyes were alive with concern as she did not answer.  
“Mr. Parker. Are you leaving?”, was the best speech she could conjure after more awkward silence. She felt as helpless as that day on the beach.  
“Yes, I’m about to leave for London, Ms. Heywood.” Behind their backs the carriage halted and began to wait for Sidney to climb inside. He tilted his head a bit and took one of her hands. The shivers subsided and Charlotte's whole body calmed. He did not wear gloves, so she could feel the warmth in his fingers. Sidney looked down, her fist opened and he found the shell inside.  
“So you’ve kept it”, he whispered, his voice steady unlike hers. “Of course, I have”, she breathed barely audible. For a moment their gazes remained locked. Then, he let go of her hand with the gentlest of strokes and did not turn his head again. He just disappeared in the carriage. Charlotte heard the hooves rattle on the cobblestones and was as desperate for answers as before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you read correctly. Up next is the ball and don't worry - Sidney won't miss the joyous occation! We will finally have a Charlotte that is able to speak, not just stutter in his presence...


	4. The ball

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we go. Ready for the first real talk?

Charlotte stood in front of the mirror. Her dress for the evening had been adjusted to every part of her body. First, she had thought it was a bit plain for the occasion but now she could see Mr. Russell had been right all along. In the background Arthur Parker beamed with excitement. He had spent the whole morning complimenting the ladies on their looks. Charlotte’s dress was the last. It was made of ivory silk. Additionally, it was laced in dark blues and reds.  
“Is all to your liking, Ms. Heywood?”, asked Mr. Russel. His skilful fingers just arranged the last ribbons at her back. “Yes, very much! Thank you, Mr. Russel.” He was probably in his forties and yet his exotic features looked older, his hair speckled with grey and white, all a sad testimony to his former life. He had been tailoring appropriate dressing for the ladies and gentlemen of the so-called polite society all his days. Ms. Lambe gave him the first chance to exercise his trade freely. She also assured Mr. Russel was getting paid what he was owed. He was not a slave anymore.  
Arthur had proudly spilled the tale how he had introduced Mr. Russel to Lady Babington. Now they ran the successful store together. Esther provided ideas and connections, Mr. Russel knew about secret techniques that made Russel and Babington an unique address to purchase exquisite clothing.  
“And now you, Mr. Parker”, Mr. Russel proclaimed and smiled. This shifted his whole expression. He looked no older than thirty-wife. “Me?”, Arthur shrieked. Mr. Russel just laughed harder and removed a veil from a coat stand. Underneath hid a flamboyant jacket. It gleamed in green and yellow plaids. Charlotte looked from one man to the other and thought of a conversation she had with Mr. Parker a long time ago. She was ready to toil, he wanted to blossom, that had been the quintessence of their exchange. In this jacket Arthur could blossom and at least Mr. Russel would see him blooming tonight. She did not know where this idea came from, but she was glad to witness their joy.

In this mood she left the store. The lanes of Sanditon were buzzing with life. In the matter of three days more than half of all apartments had been led, and only a handful of houses were left for sale. Sanditon had become a fashionable destination to spend summer days by the sea.  
Charlotte was overjoyed by the success of the Parkers. After the fire tides had really turned for them. For all but one she realised, and her happiness turned sour.

It did not take long till the evening arrived. The sun was setting beautifully in all shades of orange and lilac. Alison was still busy with the pearls she was putting in Charlotte’s hair. But soon all the ladies were ready for departure. They walked to the nearby ballroom in the assembly hall.  
Arthur in his colourful jacket served as host for the evening. It really suited his temper. Charlotte was particularly happy to see that Mr. Russel had come as well so he could marvel at his masterpiece. The music was inviting, the conversation inspiring.  
There were a lot of new faces, guests who had come to Sanditon for the season. But the men and women who lived here the whole year still showed up. Charlotte liked what she saw. She was utterly certain her friend James Stringer would not ask her for a dance as he had already found her sister. The two were circling around each other as if they never wanted to part.  
There were a few gentlemen gallivanting through the room as well. One of these peacocks had lain eyes on Charlotte and she did not care for his attention at all. It was Tom who saved her from his advances. Usually Mr. Tom Parker had not a good eye when it came to love, but apparently it became him to share the burdens of Sanditon.  
Arthur was a splendid host spreading joy and laughter wherever he went. Mary was making sure enough wine and refreshments were being served. As Diana arrived, very happy and very pregnant, Charlotte met Mr. Chen for the first time. He asked her for the next dance while his wife took her seat of honour next to Lady D. Mr. Chen was an accomplished dancer and made only the kindest remarks on her appearance.  
When they went to Diana together, Charlotte instantly understood their bond. Mr. Chen loved to care for people and Diana loved being cared for. It was simple and yet this humble recipe would work just fine all their days.  
All the Parkers had found their place to support the family and all enjoyed their role, thought Charlotte then the music suddenly faded. Arthur stood at the entrance to announce new important guests. “Lord Cumberland, Mr. Sidney Parker and Mrs. Eliza Parker.” The joy in Arthur’s voice was not genuine this time. The three people were all dressed to the occasion. Sidney’s black coat and boots were flawless, his shirt and scarf pristine white like freshly fallen snow. But his face was as grey as ash. His eyes glowed in the darkest shades of night while his jaw was firmly clenched. How Charlotte wanted to undo his tightness and bring colour to his cheeks.  
Next to Sidney stood his wife. She did not look happy either. She reminded Charlotte of a pillar, beautiful and yet devoid of life. Had she not cared for Sidney so deeply, she could have laughed at the wealthy and still miserable couple.  
To their left, a tall, fair-haired gentleman entered the room. His coat was probably the finest in the hall. His whole demeanour exuded the air of aristocracy. Charlotte Heywood tried to be not intimidated by his looks and went to greet Sidney.  
“May I introduce, Lord Cumberland, Ms. Heywood”, Sidney said. His voice sounded hoarse, and he did not even turn his gaze to Charlotte. Why had she bothered to come? The very important Lord Cumberland did not even lift his brow. Instead he stared at something else. Somebody on the dancefloor was apparently far more interesting than the young woman in front of Lord Cumberland.   
“It’s a pleasure. So you’re still not married, Ms. Heywood. What a surprise! But I’m sure tonight is a good opportunity to attract a suiter”, Mrs. Eliza Parker pondered Charlotte’s worth on the marriage market. Charlotte flinched at that. Sidney ignored her comment as usual.  
The dancing had started again but Sidney did not join the couples. Instead he retreated to the seating area with his party. Charlotte felt betrayed and looked for friendly faces. She found Georgiana next to Lady D. These two standing so close engaged in conversation was a promising sight.  
Charlotte could hear how they spoke about the appetizers that were being served. “It's the most exquisite cheese I have ever eaten, apart from donkey cheese of course!”, Lady D admitted. “Still, Arthur said for the midsummer ball a different chef must be found. The Parkers are not willing to spend so much on refreshments any longer”, Georgiana replied. She faced the room and Charlotte could tell she was not presenting the whole story. Charlotte knew this smirk. Something escaped Lady Denham’s ears and eyes. “Nonsense, I will pay the chef de cuisine! Sanditon will not succumb to mediocre standards. That cannot happen. I won’t allow it!”, Lady Denham barked.  
Charlotte chuckled and searched for a more willing dancing partner. Alison was still swaying with James Springer. The two did not see anything or anyone beside themselves. Arthur was talking to Tom and Mary before the latter two joined the dancing couples in the centre of the hall. They had every right to enjoy the ball in togetherness as Ms. John's looked after the children.  
Finally, Charlotte discovered Eliza and Lord Cumberland amidst the others, a stiff picture of grace. Sidney, however, was nowhere to be seen.  
She thoroughly searched the hall, visited the seating area twice. Sidney had vanished. Charlotte had only one place left where she could look for him. She went to the staircase that led to the little balcony. And there he stood as if carved in stone. When he saw her, a smirk appeared on his face that resembled Georgiana’s. “Finally! I knew I could count on your assumptions, Ms. Heywood.”  
Charlotte would no longer put up with his remarks. “Keep your words to yourself if they are only meant to mock me”, she replied.  
His grin died and his lips formed a straight line. “It was never my intention to offend you, Ms. Heywood”, he said quietly. His eyes fixed her.  
After a moment of silence Charlotte tried to renew the conversation. “Why aren’t you dancing?” “I was waiting for the right partner”, he replied. “Pardon me, I think I don’t get your meaning, Mr. Parker. You are a married man!” “As usual, you're right, Ms. Heywood.” His stance had not changed in the slightest. He could not be serious, could he?  
Charlotte took out the little shell and offered it on her palm so he could take it back. “I cannot accept this gift. It could lead to unintended misconceptions, Mr. Parker!”  
“Ms. Heywood, I gave it to you as a token of friendship. There is no need to return it. It was a gift, nothing more.” His voice was a little louder and the soreness of his throat became obvious.  
“I am sorry, but I cannot accept it.” Charlotte was adamant to not lose her resolve this time. Sidney sighed audibly and closed her hand with his. “Please, Charlotte”, he said, and then he coughed. He tried to hide how his whole body shook, but it was of no use. Charlotte stood right next to him.  
All of a sudden Charlotte’s inner strength to refuse him crumbled. “Mr. Parker, you should sit down. I'll get refreshments…” She was already heading for the stairs as Sidney grabbed her firmly at her lower arm.  
“Don’t!”, he demanded. His voice was steady again, his eyes big and his brows arched. “You’re not well”, she said plainly. “I’m fine!” “You’re not. You lie to your family, to yourself! Stop it.” Charlotte was sick of his pretense.  
Sidney let her arm go and his eyes shrank. He looked like a beat dog. His lower lip disappeared in his mouth before he fixed her again. “I’m well enough. You have to trust me on this. Please, Charlotte.” “How am I supposed to trust you when everything is a game to you?” Charlotte’s voice was shaking with anger. She felt the tears on her cheeks and hated herself for being so weak.  
He touched her arm again, gently this time. The hurt was all over his face, his jaw tightly clenched, his lips pressed together. And his eyes turned red as well.  
“You’re mistaken, Charlotte. It’s not a game. You have to…” His voice faded and Sidney had to cough again. He caught his breath and tried once more. Charlotte knew it was his final attempt. “Do you still believe in me?” Charlotte looked up. She searched for the man who had declared he was his truest self when he was with her. How could she believe in him, in this twisted version of the man she had known once. And then again, how could she not! At last she nodded.  
A tiny smile arose on his features. He looked awfully tired after the raw emotion left his face. His eyes were wet, but not a single tear escaped his well-rehearsed self-control. “Then believe me, dear Charlotte, I’m aware of what my family is fearing. But I'm telling you, nothing, absolutely nothing, is as it seems.”  
That was all, he would not explain any further. No details, no facts. Charlotte still reached for his hands and drew him closer. She smelled his Eau de Cologne. It was still the same. Sidney was still the same man whatever was going on in his life. Her head sunk to his shoulders, and she let go of all her objections.  
In return his arms wrapped around her, one hand carefully caressing her neck. His lips pressed a soft kiss to her forehead while they started rocking tenderly from left to right. It was a very different kind of dance. It was not joy, not even content that flushed through Charlotte. It was hope, no more, no less.  
With time they loosened their embrace and took each other’s hands. They lost themselves in the music. There were no big circles, only small steps from left to right and back again. Still they smiled at one another. 

Charlotte could not feel her toes as she finally returned down the staircase. She found Eliza searching the room. Charlotte had barely made it out of sight before Sidney followed her a moment later. His face had nearly returned to the nothingness he wore as a mask, but his eyes were still visibly red. “My dear!”, he greeted Eliza and she smiled politely. It was a hollow expression. The two left and migled with the other guests. Charlotte wanted to slap herself. What had she been thinking? She could not allow herself to swoon in his arms. He was a married man and she a fallen woman if she ever gave in to his advances again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think? Should Charlotte blame herself? And what did Sidney mean, nothing is as it seems? 
> 
> Till the next time. And as always, thank you for reading!


	5. At the beach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have a sensitive heart, that easily breaks, that chapter - and the next - is probably not ideal for you.

Charlotte could not sleep the following night. She rolled over many times thinking about what had happened at the ball. Her sister, however, had just the best of dreams it seemed. She chuckled and smiled in her slumber.  
As the sun dipped the eastern horizons in early shades of blue and yellow, Charlotte rose. She could not bear her inner unrest any longer. She put on a coat and an old pair of boots which she had brought for beach strolls. Dressed like that she started to roam the streets of Sanditon while it grew brighter and brighter outside.  
She passed the Crown Hotel and found a carriage waiting in front of the door. Somebody else was up early, but they were in a hurry to leave. She observed the shadows that moved back and forth loading coffers onto the back of the couch. Then, a woman and two men came outside, and the servants disappeared. She easily recognised Sidney even in the twilight of dawn. The woman was unmistakably Eliza.  
It took Charlotte a while longer to find out who the other man was. She knew when he lifted his topper to enter the carriage. It was the self-important Lord Cumberland. Eliza followed him and Sidney held out his hand to support her balance up the tiny step. Always the gentleman, Charlotte thought, but her heart itched with a well-known pain. Her feelings shifted again, as she could watch how Sidney did not enter the carriage. He stayed, or better yet, he walked back inside the hotel when the carriage took off.

Charlotte continued her walk with a much lighter heart. Soon the town awoke, and more and more people were on the streets. Charlotte returned to her apartment to change. She had an idea. Never in the world would she let pass another week of Sidney in Sanditon without helping him to recover from whatever he suffered in London. It spoke volumes that Eliza left him behind in his condition. 

As Charlotte opened the door to her apartment’s bedchamber, her sister was sitting on her sheets, fidgeting. Something was about to plop out of her mouth. “Where have you been?” “In town. I was up early, and I didn’t want to wake you.”  
“What do you think of Mr. Stringer, Charlotte.” Alison’s voice was uncommonly cautious. Charlotte’s heart skipped a beat. If Alison was asking for her elder sister’s opinion, it was a rather serious matter. In that case a serious and yet joyful matter. She breathed in and out, gathering the words.  
“I think he is the kindest and most pleasant man in all of Sanditon. Despite his humble background, he is ambitious and yet caring. His temper is very well balanced…”  
Alison’s features froze. As soon as Charlotte saw, it made her laugh. “And, dear sister, I am truly fortunate to call him my friend. However, it would be an even greater pleasure, dearest Alison, to call him family some day if that is where YOUR heart should venture.”  
Alison’s resignation turned into the most precious smile which Charlotte had ever beheld. This was a reason to be happy, a real delight. Charlotte nearly forgot about her sorrows, but not quite. Alison’s heart was safe and sound. Now, it was Charlotte’s turn to save another soul from sadness. And she would start right away!

The first thing to help Sidney, probably against his stubborn will, was to gift him a day off. A day far away from duties and worries. She hurried to the office where Tom was now preparing his day’s work.  
Mary was glad her husband had a place to put all his plans and ideas. The Parker dining hall had returned to be just that, a room to eat in. No more business meetings or working schedules.  
Charlotte found Tom inside, sorting papers. The whole room appeared to be well organised, a big contrast to the sheer chaos she had encountered the last time she had entered Tom’s study.  
“Charlotte, what a most pleasant surprise!”, he greeted. He appeared to be in a very good mood, possibly still besotted with the previous evening. “May I come in? I wish to talk to you”, Charlotte started.  
“Of course, Ms. Heywood! You’re always welcome in my study.” She smiled at that. “What is it you want to discuss, Ms. Heywood”, Tom asked as she was collecting her thoughts for a bit.  
“Mr. Parker, I know it is very unusual, but please believe it is with the best of intensions that I humbly ask you for a favour…” “What is it, Charlotte?”, he interrupted her, his face lacking the otherwise ubiquitous excitement.  
“It’s about your brother, Sidney Parker” “What about him?”, the concern in his voice had only grown.  
“Forgive me my frankness. Mary told me how he’s changed since I left two years ago. I fear he hides his symptoms as best as he can. But yesterday I found he is suffering from a horrible cough. While he is staying here, maybe it would be best if he enjoyed all the conveniences Sanditon has to offer instead of helping you with all the hard work here”, Charlotte proposed quietly.  
Tom’s face had turned pale. “A cough, you say. I know you and Mary have talked. Thank you for alerting me to his condition. You’re right! He became an expert in covering up his true state of health. Sadly, we cannot convince him to see a doctor until he is too weak to stand upright.”  
Charlotte was heartbroken that yet another member of the Parker family described Sidney as tight-lipped and ailing. “I'm deeply sorry, Charlotte, I see I have dampened your spirits so early in the day. Forgive my harsh words.” He often could not decide how to call her. But usually he used her first name when emotion washed away all sense of stiff courtesy.  
“There is no use in covering up the truth, Mr. Parker. Please, don’t apologise.” They smiled in mutual understanding.  
“So, rest assured, Charlotte. I will do my utmost to keep Sidney away from work this week. We will see how it goes. I suppose it would be a good start if Sidney were to join you and my family for the donkey riding this afternoon, wouldn’t you agree?”  
“Thank you, Mr. Parker. It sounds like a splendid idea!” “Consider it settled then!”, Tom replied and smiled, his eyes still full of sorrow.

Tom kept his word. After luncheon the Parkers, Ms. Johns and the Heywood sisters headed for the beach. Instead of Tom Parker, Sidney, Arthur, Mr. Chen, the governess and Diana completed the party. For an hour or two they just sat by the sea. Mary read to them, and children messed up their clothing by throwing sand at each other. Instead of stopping them, Arthur and even Sidney joined the battle. Ms. Johns was bewildered by their behaviour. Mary scolded the improper hustle, but Charlotte knew she was not mad at heart.  
Charlotte just had eyes for Sidney’s bright features. He only coughed four times during the afternoon. Charlotte counted thoroughly. Sidney smiled broadly for the first time since she had come back. He tickled his nephew Henry and carried him on his shoulders. The boy had grown a lot and yet it seemed to be Henry’s greatest joy to discover the world from up there.

A little later Mr. Stringer came, as if by chance, to the beach and invited Alison to a walk along the coastline. The two did not venture out of sight, but they could exchange their words in private. Mary smiled and even Sidney and Arthur had noticed what was in the air. Only Diana and Mr. Chen were completely caught up with themselves.  
To Charlotte's great surprise, Sidney finally sat down next to her. He chose the exact distance to not violate the rules of propriety. Charlotte was sick of these rules. Why did he care now?  
For a while they just knelt there. It was Sidney who broke the silence first. “I understand I have been demoted?” Charlotte’s brows arched in an unuttered question.  
“You withdrew me from the office so I could serve as a chaperone or some other kind of minion. I call that a demotion, Admiral Heywood!” Charlotte was speechless and then she laughed. Her throat nearly burst with the sudden and entirely unexpected amusement. She could see how her reaction to his attempt of humour made him smile, too. Maybe he had pondered whether he should dare to joke about it at all. Sidney’s poise was not as steadfast as it used to be, and yet the smug boy was still there. Charlotte could feel a knot untie around her chest out of relief. He was not so different after all. She could accept his closeness easier in the company of others. He would not venture too far under the eyes of so many witnesses. He was happy and her virtue was safe, what more could she ask for? The whole afternoon was a triumph!

Her thought was interrupted by two things at the same time. A gust of wind blew away her hat and Sidney leaped up to bring it back. At the same moment one of the donkeys had arrived.  
Charlotte could not believe her eyes. The all-time scaredy cat Diana was riding a donkey! Her lips formed a smile that looked unfamiliar and Charlotte realised she had never seen Diana truly smile before. Though her husband held the reins, all about that sight was remarkable. That man really inspired her to risk some more adventure in her life.  
There was no holding back after this, Henry demanded to ride as well and went with Arthur to the booth where the tickets for a ride could be purchased. Even one of the girls wanted to try. So the party was already splitting as Sidney returned with Charlotte’s hat.  
“It’s a bit sandy I’m afraid”, he admitted. “Thank you, Mr. Parker”, Charlotte replied. It was her sister who drew her away in order to go sea bathing with little Jenny. 

Sidney picked up a book as her sister came over. He read Plato’s Meno. Charlotte remembered when she had ploughed through those heavy lines with her own eyes. To Sidney, it appeared, it was not harder than deciphering a children’s rhyme. But she did not want to disturb him all the same. Mary and Ms. Johns stayed and would keep him company.  
Charlotte went to the bathing machines with the other girls, and together they changed for yet another adventure in the chilly ocean. Alison had fun splashing water at her sister and Mary’s younger daughter. 

It grew late and the sky turned darker. At the beach people were starting to retreat into town. Charlotte, Jenny, and Alison had already climbed back in the cart when they heard unsettling noises from outside. The horses in front of the bathing machine neighed loudly and the cart started to roll. Behind them, one of the donkeys was braying in agony. Charlotte felt a shiver down her spine. Something was utterly wrong. She had not changed yet, was still in the rather thin bathing coat. Only Charlotte dared to look outside the back of the waggon. To her horror, the donkey chased them in distress and its rider hang by a thread, in grave danger to fall into the sea. The horses drew the carriage further and further into the ocean. They were fast, much too fast despite the rising levels of water around them.  
Mary’s daughter started to cry as water entered the bathing machine. The sea floor was not completely flat and the girls were tossed from left to right. Charlotte grabbed Mary’s daughter but the next moment she lost her own footing altogether. The cart fell over and sea water irrupted from all corners.  
Charlotte knew the shoreline was far away now. The pace of her heartbeat and her breathing had quickened. Her hands shivered. The chill reached her bones. Charlotte closed her eyes and counted to ten, she needed to focus. The water was much too deep to stand she thought. As the carriage was nearly filled with water, they had to leave the sinking vessel. If they did not, it would be their mutual coffin.  
Alison was trembling and held on to a little board that had formerly served as a seat. Next to her was Jenny. She was completely stiff, overcome with fear.  
Outside the horses and the donkey still squealed but the sounds had become more desperate. The horses were tethered to the cart after all. Charlotte and the others had to leave the waggon at the hind door or they would be crushed by hooves.  
Charlotte gathered her senses. She was not a good swimmer, but she could hold herself above the water surface. She had to learn how to reach the edge of the lake after one of her younger brother’s had shoved her from a little stone bridge. Now she was glad he had been so mean that day. Her sister was about as much able to swim as Charlotte, however, the Parker girl clearly had never learnt though she lived by the sea. Charlotte reached for Jenny and looked into Alison’s eyes. “Courage! Courage my friends! We just have to reach the light above the water. Jenny, you come with me. Don’t let go of my arm!”  
She fixed the girl. Now they could barely breathe inside the cart. “Do you hear me?” The Parker girl nodded. Then Charlotte turned to Alison once more. “You can do this!” Her sister just clenched her jaw, but there was no time left. They had to swim now, or they would all drown.  
Charlotte drew one last breath before she went under. The water surrounded her now, and she counted her arm strokes and kicked clumsily with her legs. She left the cart and could see the flickering evening light one the water surface. With new hope she swam on, but soon she was held back. The little Ms. Parker was stuck in the door of the bathing machine.  
Charlotte pushed and shoved. She pulled and dragged. Jenny’s little face panicked and her arms let go of Charlotte who was herself running out of air. When her sight blurred, Charlotte had to decide the impossible. But in her heart of hearts she knew she had to draw breath, or they were all dead anyway. With legs as heavy as lead and a heart turned to stone, she shifted to reach the water surface.  
For a moment she just sucked air into her lungs. Once, twice. In and out. Finally, her vision cleared, and she heard shouting. Several people came to their rescue. The man who reached them first was James Stringer, his curls wet and glued to his head. His face had turned red by the exertion.  
He needed to catch his breath as well before speaking. “Are you hurt?” Charlotte violently shook her head. “Jenny! Jenny and my sister are still down there! We have to help them get out!”, Charlotte panted.  
James did not wait for more instructions, he draw a deep breath and submerged in a fluent movement.  
Within the blink of an eye, another head arose from the sea. His dark hair was soaked, his features lined with worry. “Charlotte”, he cried huskily. She was not surprised to see him. Of course, Sidney came. He was a good swimmer. His dark voice was hoarse. “I’m fine. We need to help Mr. Stringer. Please, my sister, Jenny, they are trapped!”, Charlotte explained.  
“Can you swim?”, Sidney asked in between waves. Charlotte nodded. “Then swim ashore. Please, Charlotte.” His voice was pleading. “I want to help!”, Charlotte argued. “I beg you, Charlotte!”  
She had no strength left to fight him. Instead she obeyed, maybe for the first time. She felt her legs harden and her body started to shiver relentlessly from the cold. As her feet reached the sea floor, she had to acknowledge that they would not even support her own weight. Mary and Arthur helped her out of the water.  
Then, Charlotte collapsed onto the beach. She had swallowed half of the ocean and now the water wanted to leave her chest. “Charlotte, oh Charlotte!”, Mary whined. She did not know what to do and she was about to lose her wits out of horror. “Where is my Jenny, where is my little girl?”

Soon after, Charlotte rose and Arthur wrapped her in a blanket. Only then she noticed Henry. He was soaked as well, and he cried. Diana cradled the boy in another blanket and a soothing embrace. He was the donkey rider, Charlotte assumed. 

It took ages and Charlotte's heart clenched tighter with every moment that passed. But finally, two more heads emerged from the sea. As they drew closer, Charlotte could see there were actually four heads. They arrived in pairs. Alison was spitting water for a long time while James was holding onto her shoulders. He was shivering and so was she.  
At last, Sidney carried his niece ashore. His chest was bare, his frame much slimmer than two years ago. But he had reached the beach. His strength did not falter when it was needed most. Jenny cried, but she was alive and breathing. Sidney dropped her on the beach and lay down himself. His body was not trembling. But Sidney was completely exhausted and gasped for air as they all did.  
James and Alison were examined by Herr Fuchs first. Together with him, Tom and more help had arrived. Charlotte was freezing and later she could not remember it all. Eventually, Tom had carried her to Trafalgar House and somebody fed her soup. She, Jenny, and Alison sat by the fire and dozed off from time to time. She heard James speaking with Tom. “Without your brother, we would probably all have drowned. I’ll go thank him right away!”, James said, his voice still shaking. “Let him rest for the night, Mr. Stringer! And get rest yourself!”, Tom replied.  
She knew how it felt. Her whole heart had clenched in pain when she had to let go of little Jenny’s hand. It ached for a second time until all four of them had made it ashore. They were safe. They all had survived.  
All happened because the straps of a saddle had loosened, and the donkey panicked. It had been such a blessing in disguise that no one, not even the animals, had sunk to the bottom of the sea. It was literally too good to be true.  
Charlotte had not noticed there had only been five blankets. One for each of the girls from the cart, one for Henry, and one for James Stringer. Sidney had come out of the water last, and everybody had been tending to the children who were mad with fear. Sidney coughed, but nobody saw. He went back to the hotel alone to get rid of his wet clothes, his steps already unsteady. The way was long, and his body suffered from a chill that bit deep into his chest. When he reached the apartment, he just sank to the floor. He had given all he could, or even more. He coughed once again before his world turned black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there we are, about to hit rock bottom! Don't kill me in the comments, please! I know how bad this looks. But, we've got three chapters to fix things!


	6. The length of eternity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are. I decided to split up chapter 6 as it grows and grows and ... You get the idea.

Charlotte woke from a chill that intruded through the window. It had cooled down outside, and a strong breeze blew inland. She closed the window and searched the room with her eyes. She was still in front of the fireplace in Trafalgar House and the memories came flushing back. Charlotte needed to sit down.  
Her sister was asleep on the other armchair. Little Jenny had been carried to her bedchamber late at night. The big grandfather clock announced it was nearly dawn now and Charlotte decided to repeat her morning stroll from the day before. She left a note so nobody would come looking for her.

She still could not grasp how lucky they had been to be alive and well. After a while she had walked up and down the esplanade and the sun had come out of hiding. Charlotte returned to town, her head a little clearer. As she passed the Crown Hotel, she felt an urge to enter. She needed to thank Sidney in person. Just like James Stringer had said: without Sidney the others might all have drowned. Her sister, little Jenny. The thought of losing them made her shiver for a moment and she closed her eyes to summon their sight in front of the fireplace. As she approached the stairs that led to the entrance, she heard a voice from behind her back.  
“Ms. Heywood! What a lovely surprise to find you here so early.” Charlotte turned around and saw Lord Babington. “Good morning, Lord Babington. What brings you here at this hour?” “Business, I’m afraid. I wanted to present the plans of reconstruction of Denham Place to Mr. Parker. I have just arrived from London and wanted to fill him in on the good news right away: I found an architect!” Lord Babington smiled.  
Esther had mentioned at the beach they were getting closer to start the long overdue works of repair on her former home. Charlotte had never been there and assumed the estate was still in better shape than the houses of most workmen. But she did not dwell on the matter as she knew Lord Babington would pay fair wages and offered work as the rest of Sanditon was nearly fully restored to glory.  
“Have you heard of yesterday, Lord Babington?”, she changed the subject instead. “No, I haven’t. What is the news in Sanditon?” “There was an accident on the beach with one of the bathing machines. Little Jenny nearly drowned. It was a living nightmare, but we all made it out of the water eventually. That was in no small part the merit of Mr. Sidney Parker. I came to thank him for his assistance in saving my sister…” Lord Babington’s eyes had enlarged on the unsettling tidings. “Oh, good heavens! Are Mrs. and Mr. Parker well? They must have been out of their minds with fear!” “All is well in Trafalgar House, do not trouble yourself, Lord Babington. In a couple of days, we shall all laugh about it!”, Charlotte claimed but did not quite believe it herself. The salt of the ocean still lingered in the corners of her eyes.  
The two entered the building together. “You can visit Mr. Parker first, Ms. Heywood. I’m sure, he will enjoy your company more than mine after yesterday’s events. And also, I’m famished. I’ve been on the road all night.” With that he disappeared in the dining hall. Charlotte just nodded and smiled at the friendly inflection of Lord Babington.

She took the stairs and knocked at the door. It was not completely closed, but she did not want to disturb Sidney unannounced. In her hand spun the little shell. At the beach it had not been in her pocket and immediately everything had gone wrong. She would not dare to risk it again. She knocked a second time. “Mr. Parker?”  
Charlotte waited for another moment, then she opened the door. The first thing she felt was a chill. It was freezing in the room. There was only ash in the fireplace. She found one of the windows to be open and she stirred to close it. But she just made two steps before Charlotte halted again. “Mr. Parker?”, she said, her voice unsteady already.  
There he lay, half leaning on the wall with his back, his chest bare. Sidney’s long legs were sprawled out on the floor, still in the breeches from the day before. He did not move.  
Charlotte needed four strides to kneel by his side. “Mr. Parker?”, she repeated her words more loudly. However, Sidney did not answer. His head had fallen to his shoulders with the dark hair stuck on his forehead as if it were still wet.  
Charlotte felt a sickness rise in her. “Mr. Pa…” She could not finish, instead her hand reached for his chin. His upper body was pale, the usual tan had left his skin. And his lips had turned blue.  
As her fingers touched his cheek, all warmth had left. She softly poked his shoulders twice and her mouth started trembling as did her hands. “Sidney. Please, wake up.” Her voice was no more than a whisper. She breathed in and out to not lose her wits.  
Charlotte’s thumb rubbed up and down his cheek tenderly. “Sidney, please…”, she begged, and she knew she was crying. Her plea died away unanswered.  
Finally, she got back on her feet and sensed a haste inside her to do something. The sight of him was just unbearable.  
“Help, I need help!”, she shouted and rushed to the window to shut it for good. Afterwards she grabbed the covers of the bed and wrapped them thoroughly around Sidney’s shoulders.

It was Lord Babington who appeared in the door first. The situation needed no explanation. He moved and was beside Charlotte and Sidney in an instant. “Good Lord, Sidney”, he mumbled. All hope and joy in his features had vanished. He, however, had no moment of shock. Lord Babington straightened Sidney’s neck with one hand. The other scanned the upper body of his friend. Lord Babington removed the blanket that Charlotte had just arranged so carefully. She did not protest.  
“Sidney! Sidney!” Lord Babington’s voice was clear and firm. “Have you seen any alcohol in the room. Wine maybe?”, he asked Charlotte. She did not quite grasp the meaning of the question but had another in return that gnawed away her sanity. “He has not even changed. Is he breathing?”  
Lord Babington did not answer but dragged Sidney into his arms and hauled him onto the bed without further ado. Charlotte rose as well but her strength nearly faltered as she had to watch Sidney’s head drop to the side again. He looked like a rag doll, faint and lifeless. He was so thin, so vulnerable. It teared out Charlotte’s gut and twisted her heart. She bit her lips to endure it.  
“He needs a hot bath right away, Ms. Heywood. Make them hurry, we need to get him warmer as quickly as possible. And we need a doctor”, Lord Babington demanded. With tears on her face she ran out of the room and down the staircase. She yelled at the chambermaids who went to pour a bath in the basement.  
Charlotte shooed around people until Herr Fuchs appeared in the entrance hall. With him she rushed up the stairs again. Inside the room Sidney still lay on the bed, but his breeches were on the floor. He did not move. Lord Babington sat on the far side of the bed rubbing Sidney’s chest with a shirt. The skin there had turned red. It was the first sign of life.  
“He’s barely breathing. Is the bath ready yet?”, Lord Babington asked without looking up or greeting Herr Fuchs. “I hope so, Lord Babington!”, said the doctor. “You’ve done well here, Lord Babington, but we have to take him down now. So schnell es geht!”, he declared.  
Lord Babington threw the fabric to the floor and hoisted up his friend once again. He did not wait for further instructions. Charlotte stepped aside, and Lord Babington passed her in a quick pace. She heard him hurry down the stairs with his precious freight and Herr Fuchs followed at his heels. 

Charlotte could not stand it any longer. She ran outside, panting and her heart pounding. Her pulse rushed much too loudly through her head. Eventually she could not fight the nausea any more and sank to her knees trying to patch up her torn heart. Her chest quivered silently. She was glad nobody could see her fall apart as no words had the power to console her in that moment.  
She sat right outside the back door of the hotel for a long while. With time, she calmed her breathing and pulled herself together, the sickness left her stomach. Her eyes were still swollen but Charlotte could not have cared less.  
Instead, she had to find out for herself now and stepped down the staircase to the basement. Charlotte followed the noises. Voices uttered incomprehensible words behind the critical door. There were at least two men talking to each other. Charlotte did not knock for once. She did not care if she was allowed to enter either. She just had to see, to know.  
Sidney sat in the bathtub coughing weakly. Lord Babington knelt on the floor and supported his neck. Doctor Fuchs was talking to Tom whose sombre face appeared to have aged at least five years over night. Two chambermaids were folding cloth in a corner.  
Lord Babington spoke to Sidney in steady calmness. “That’s it. In and out.” Sidney shivered though the water was steaming. But he was alive. His cheeks flushed, his hands trying to hold on to the edge of the tub. Charlotte sneaked out unnoticed and disappeared as quietly as she could. He was breathing. That had to be enough. She wanted to take Babington’s place so badly. But she could not. She was nothing more than a distant acquaintance. Her stomach clenched at the thought and she felt sick all over again.

The day passed in superficial tranquillity. Mary and Tom spoke in silent confidence with each other in the darker corners of Trafalgar House, both still visibly shaken. Charlotte stitched a delicate pattern on a scarf after she had finished the hemline. “What an outstanding piece of handiwork!”, acknowledged Ms. Johns. Charlotte did not even hear her.  
The Parker girls sighed at the words of Ms. Johns and looked at their far less accomplished embroidery. They had not the faintest idea about Sidney. Nobody had told them. Alison had left after luncheon to flee the bitter silence in Trafalgar House. Charlotte did not mind. She assumed her sister took another walk with James. Charlotte could not stand the thought of their joy at the moment. It was pushing her inner strength to its limits to not scream while her soul was raging in silent, maddening fear.  
Mary ended her solitude in the late hours of the afternoon. “My dear Charlotte”, she began, “how are you feeling?” “I’m quite alright, thank you, Mary”, she replied stiffly.  
“You see, I don’t want to burden the children with Sidney’s condition, but he developed a fever during the day. Herr Fuchs is deeply concerned and so are we.” “I hope he will be better in the morning”, Charlotte tried to cut her off.  
“My friend, I don’t know how to put this. I’m painfully aware he was robbed of his happiness when he married Eliza. He shrank with every month until he was no more than a shell. He did all of that to save my family from ruin and I can never make amends for it. But I will not sit and watch how he loses his … I haven’t seen Sidney smile in eighteen months. Not until he talked to you at the beach yesterday. I believe it will help him if you keep him company.” Charlotte leaped up in an attempt to flee the situation.  
“Mary, I am not sure you should be talking to me about these things. Isn’t it rather time to get word to his wife? It’s not my place to tend to him. Neither is Mr. Parker related to me, nor am I a healer. It would not be proper to visit him while his wife is not even aware, he has fallen ill.” A moment passed in silence between the women.  
Then, Mary fixed Charlotte and she grabbed her by the hands, so she could not avoid eye contact any longer. “I know you BOTH were robbed of happiness two years ago, Charlotte. And I have begged the heavens for forgiveness ever since. But please Charlotte, as his friends, we cannot stand by and watch him fade away! If we care too much for propriety now, we might lose him for good. Do you hear me?” Charlotte felt the tears and sickness return. Her resistance faltered. 

As Charlotte entered her old room in Trafalgar House which served as Sidney’s sickroom now, she could hear Tom and Herr Fuchs exchanging sinister words. “He should not be so frail. A man his age, voller Lebenskräfte, should not suffer from severe hyperthermia after a short bath in the sea. The events yesterday, how ever dreadful, did not take very long! And the cough! He must have breathed in some water, but his throat is sore, scabby even. Herr Parker hustet wie ein alter Mann!” “He isn’t smoking anymore”, Tom added.  
“The symptoms do not paint a coherent picture. Something else is at play here! And you are certain he was already suffering from the cough before he went into the sea yesterday?”, asked Herr Fuchs.  
“Yes, he was”, Charlotte announced from the door. “Ah, Fräulein Heywood! Wie geht es Ihnen heute? How are you doing today?“ „As well as can be expected. Thank you, Herr Fuchs.”  
The men continued their discussion, but Charlotte picked up a chair and sat down next to the bed. “If the fever does not break soon, I fear he will not have the strength to fight the pneumonia that is destined to follow. Des Pudels wahrer Kern ist noch nicht enhüllt!”, Herr Fuchs declared. 

It did not take long, and she was alone with Sidney. Nobody seemed to care. Sidney was asleep. His forehead glowed in the candlelight, beads of sweat everywhere. His breathing was laboured. Charlotte took out the scarf she had embroidered all day and wiped off the glimmer. The fringe was crested with an endless line of tiny shells.  
She sat by his side for the whole night. A while she watched him breathe. Later she read to him until her eyes were too tired to go on. From time to time his pulse quickened. Then, she took his hand and she witnessed how she could sooth his unrest with kind words and her gentle touch alone.  
When the first candle had burnt out, Charlotte went downstairs to fetch a new one. Coming back, she heard him mutter her name in agony. “Charlotte?” She rushed back to the bed and reached for his hand. As she looked at his face, she realised he was having a nightmare. His cheeks were damp. It was sweat and maybe more. He mumbled on and on and on. Charlotte’s heart broke. Sidney had not sounded so different amidst the waves one day earlier. He was still lost at sea. She reached for his forehead and combed through the wet strands with her fingers. “I’m here, Sidney. It’s alright. I’m here”, she whispered into his ear. She counted the rise and fall of his chest for what felt like an eternity. Finally, Sidney calmed, and Charlotte kept caressing his hand. 

She woke with the first light that twinkled through the window. Underneath her ear she heard him breathe. She lay on his chest and yet she did not flush. After all the scares, she would not blush out of embarrassment ever again. She had forgotten how it felt.  
Charlotte nearly did not believe her eyes when she looked up. Sidney was awake. His gaze still had a feverish glow, but his lips formed a smile. “Good morning”, he whispered softly. His hand cupped hers, fingers intertwined. Charlotte could not help herself. As soon as she had gathered what this meant she stirred and wrapped her arms tightly around him, kissed the crook of his neck. Then she pressed her nose into his shirt. He was taken by surprise but returned the embrace after a short moment.  
“I'll be fine”, he claimed and she knew he tried to make it better for her now. His voice was as hoarse as she remembered it. She had not yet the strength to fight his foolish proclamation. Instead she listened to the steady and reassuring rhythm of his breathing a little longer. 

“I’m well.” The peaceful moment was gone. “You’re not”, Charlotte protested. Her voice even sharper than she had intended. Sidney shifted and he sat up in the bed. Now they were arguing at eye level.  
“I’m sorry I gave you a scare. I should have asked for help at the beach.” Charlotte could not bear the love in his eyes. He gulped as if he had to prepare for the next part of his apology. “And I am sorry I left you behind in the water. Charlotte if there had been another…” He did not finish. His lower lip disappeared into his mouth, but he kept his façade upright. His walls did not crumble.  
“Sidney, I’m fine. You did the right thing there. Truly!” “For a moment I thought you…” “Sidney, it was a dream, a nightmare. Nothing more!”, Charlotte tried to dispel his worries.  
She stroked his cheek. And his gaze searched her face for any sign of another truth. Apparently, he found none because his lips curved upward in a smile a moment later. “I’m fine as well. Or I will be. I promise”, he repeated, and his voice was warm and dark. She nearly believed him this time. “How is Jenny, how is your sister?” “They are all alive and well. But you’re not, Mr. Parker.” Charlotte regained her inner balance after the ground underneath her had been shifting since she had woken.  
Sidney’s eyes narrowed. “I’d hoped you’d call me Sidney from now on.” Charlotte wanted to wipe the sardonic smile from his face. “You’re insufferable, Mr. Parker”, she replied but could not fight off a little laugh. He chuckled while his fingers were sorting hers again and again as if it were his favourite game.

“What are we doing, Sidney?”, she asked after a long while. He did not answer. Again, they were swallowed by silence.  
“I’ll recover. I need you to trust me. Please, Charlotte.” “How can I trust you when I know your hiding something? How can I believe in your words when everything else tells me the opposite? Why should I trust you if you don’t trust me with the truth in return, Sidney?”  
Her words reached him; she could tell by his jaw that clenched tightly. “If you don’t tell me what is wrong with you, I’ll find out myself. I won’t let you destroy yourself any longer, Sidney Parker!”, she declared. She did wait for an answer. She knew she was not getting one.

She rushed out. The very sight of him made her angry now. Downstairs she grabbed her coat and wanted to get some fresh air. Right when she opened the door, a visitor arrived at Trafalgar House. It was Lord Babington.  
“Ms. Heywood!” “Good morning, Lord Babington.” His face was grey. He had not shut an eye all night, Charlotte assumed and invited him in. Her anger had to wait.  
They took a seat in the dining hall. All the Parkers were still asleep it seemed. “How is Mr. Parker? Is he any better?” “Indeed he is. Sidney has nearly recovered to his stubborn self. He will not admit in the slightest that he is suffering from something else than a cold.”  
Lord Babington sighed. Charlotte first believed he was relieved but soon she realised he was as puzzled and annoyed by Sidney’s behaviour as she was.  
He looked at Charlotte for moment and his face turned sad. “Ms. Heywood, forgive my bluntness, but I feel I have to ask you. Are you aware what Sidney was about to do at the midsummer ball two years ago?” “I am aware, Lord Babington. I know.” He nodded.  
“He was very happy that you agreed to come visiting. We do not talk much anymore, but this he admitted openly”, Lord Babington explained. Charlotte was surprised to learn Sidney had known she would come ahead of time. Had he asked Georgiana to invite her?  
“In truth, something else is utterly wrong with him. I barely see him in London. He has reduced his appearances in public to a mere handful each season. He never speaks, he never drinks, he never eats on such occasions. He’s just there, doing nothing but staring at the walls. He never comes alone. He's always with his wife, and mostly Lord Cumberland accompanies them. I have nearly lost a companion to melancholy before. I've never imagined in my darkest dreams I had to fear for Sidney as well. But, I have to be frank, Ms. Heywood, I do fear for him! Did he speak to you by any chance, Ms. Heywood?” Charlotte shook her head. “No, he did not.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we can start the sleuthing now. Charlotte does not put up with Sidney's silence any longer. Also a toast to Babbers, the best friend in town if not on the whole island!
> 
> Translation: Herr Fuchs's Denglish lesson: So schnell es geht! - As quickly as possible!, voller Lebenskräfte - full of life, Herr Parker hustet wie ein alter Mann! -Mr. Parker is coughing like an old man!, Ah, Fräulein Heywood! Wie geht es Ihnen heute? - Ah, Ms. Heywood! How are you today?, Des Pudels wahrer Kern ist noch nicht enhüllt! - The truth of his ailment has yet to be unravelled! 
> 
> (The "Pudels wahrer Kern" - the true core of the poodle - is a figure of speech coined by J. W. von Goethe in his version of Faust I (stage premiere in 1808), the true core of the poodle being Mephisto)


	7. Truth

Charlotte left Trafalgar House. Her heart hurt and her anger had turned into something hollow that started eating her up from the inside. On an impulse, she went back to the hotel. She could not believe there was no secret plan at play here. Charlotte simply would not accept the notion of Sidney being the one-sided victim of an intrigue, defenceless and weak. Nor would she entertain the thought he was on a mission to harm himself. She knew him better than that. Why would he beg her to trust him if he did not have an agenda of his own? Sidney Parker did not give in to circumstance, he had a shell so thick Eliza had not been able to crack it the first time, and Charlotte refused the possibility she had broken him now. Sidney had a plan which Charlotte did not understand yet, that was all. But she would unravel every detail whether he liked it or not.  
The door to Sidney’s room was not locked. Charlotte would not let this lucky coincidence pass unexploited. So, she entered on her tiptoes. The room was as neat as the man who lived in it. She thought about what Sidney might try to conceal and where he would hide the treacherous hints of his secret. She had no idea what she was actually searching for.  
The bed was properly made again. The coat hooks just harboured a fashionable topper and the black coat she had seen on him before. She recalled how broad his shoulders looked in it even in his current condition.  
The covers and sheets of a bed were no place to hide anything, the chambermaids would find it right away. Charlotte went for the nightstand instead. But she discovered nothing helpful in there. Sidney had brought two coffers from London. In the left, Charlotte found only more clothes and the second coffer was jam-full of documents. She had an eye for paperwork and skimmed it.  
Her heart was pounding through the whole ordeal as she feared to be discovered at any moment. To her huge disappointment, she found nothing of importance. Sidney seemed to have sold and bought a lot of property in Sanditon in the last two years. That only fit the bigger picture. He had fully committed himself to support his brother’s business endeavours. Nothing new.  
But Charlotte would not give up so easily and headed for the coat hooks. On second thought, the elegant black jacket and the topper would make excellent places to hide secrets because Sidney wore them all the time. She found a hip flask in the inner pocket of his coat. This would not have been surprising if not all of his family and friends had been so adamant about him giving up his vices.  
Charlotte removed the lid to examine the content. The stench, that immediately rose in her nose, made her flinch. She was not sure that the flask held a beverage at all. She coughed and sneezed still effected by the hideous, biting smell. She put the lid back on and let the little flask sink into her own pocket. She would confront Sidney with it.  
Then, she reached for the topper and palpated the brim and the hatband. She could not believe her luck, there was a little key! But what did it open? In front of his mirror stood nothing apart from his Cologne, a comb, and his razor blade. There were no more coffers or chests to be opened. She was at a loss. Maybe it was time to leave. As Charlotte closed the door behind her, she ran into Lord Babington. She froze and she felt incredibly guilty that she had invaded Sidney’s privacy.  
“Ms. Heywood.” Lord Babington seemed confused by her sudden appearance. “I was about to …”, Charlotte started but could not bring herself to lie Lord Babington in the face. “Have you found anything that might explain his behaviour?”, he asked. Now, it was Charlotte’s turn to gape. Could it be he came here for the very same reason?  
“I found this”, she replied and presented the flask. She would not surrender the key and the secrets it might reveal yet in a thousand years. Babington grabbed the flask, opened it, and grimaced in disgust.  
“Lord, what kind of hellish brew is that?”, he muttered and shook his head. Lord Babington did not expect an answer, instead he closed the flask and handed it back. “We should consult Herr Fuchs about the contents. It’s more likely some sort medication than a drink”, he suggested. Charlotte nodded silently.  
The two of them were desperate enough to investigate the origins of Sidney’s condition behind his back. They were both betraying his trust and still Charlotte believed she was doing the right thing.  
The awkward encounter ended as abruptly as it had started with Lord Babington taking off with nothing more than tap on his hat. Charlotte stood there a while longer pondering what to do next. Apparently, Lord Babington had no intention of confronting Sidney with her findings. He left the task to her. As Charlotte left, she discovered it was already past midday. She had searched Sidney’s belongings for an awfully long time. 

To not raise any more questions, she went back to Trafalgar House. She could not bring herself to face Sidney yet. The key remained the centre of her every thought. She had an idea, but she would not dare to investigate any further until nightfall. 

After supper she retreated to her and Alison’s apartment. Her sister was not there. Charlotte heard unsettling noises from outside the window. She had a look around and she found her sister climbing the scaffolding on the other side of the street. James helped her up. He was beaming with joy. There was a basket as well, and Charlotte had some ideas about its contents. Alison was not a concern any more.  
Perhaps now was the time to the test her suspicions. She sneaked out and scurried to Tom’s office. She knew Mr. Tom Parker had a study there, but so did Sidney. There was no point in bringing the key all the way to Sanditon if the keyhole was back in London, Charlotte assumed. 

When she arrived at the building in which Tom had his study, she sighed out of relief. The candles still illuminated the inside. Now she needed to be very careful. She slank in as quiet as a shadow and hid in the hall. She did not move and calmed her breathing. Tom was still busy writing letters it appeared. After a while, however, he called it a day and rose from his chair. He took his topper and his coat to return to Trafalgar House. He had already skipped supper. Mary would be happy to welcome him back in her arms. The more Charlotte could observe of the intimacy and joy Tom and Mary shared in every look and touch, the less she could bear the thought of Sidney in Eliza’s claws. Charlotte pulled herself together, she had to focus.  
As the door shut and Tom locked it from outside, Charlotte crept out of hiding. She waited some time and then she lit a candle she had brought from her apartment. The air in the study was still eerie in the dim light. She approached the door to enter Sidney’s study. She halted; her conscience weighed her options. If she entered, she could never unsee her findings. She would not be able to unlearn what she might encounter. Was the flask enough to force Sidney out of his reticence?  
Charlotte opened the door. Again, nobody had cared to lock it. She found an oil lamp on his otherwise empty desk. She risked some more light and dared to kindle the lamp. Then, she started to search the drawers. There were five in the desk and about a dozen more in several shelves. It took her a while, but she finally found a coffer. The dark shade of the metal already told her she found the keyhole. Charlotte felt how her heartbeat quickened as she turned the key in the lock. The mechanism clicked and Charlotte unclasped the cover.  
At first, she did not know what to make of the contents. There were countless documents. While reading she soon realised, they were all letters. Some penned by Lord Cumberland, some by Eliza’s late husband. All spoke of a ship which was lost at sea. But why was Sidney in the possession of letters that were not addressed to him? They were all ordered by date. Charlotte knew she had found his stash of secrets. The last letter captured Charlotte’s attention more than all the others. Lord Cumberland claimed back his investment in the endeavour, the numbers were dizzying.  
Even the harm done by the fire two years before could not compare in the slightest. Charlotte felt faint. Was it all about money again? She remembered the sales deeds she had found in Sidney’s room. Charlotte needed to sit down. Sidney had been very busy the last two years managing these numbers and delaying bankruptcy. Charlotte’s spirits nearly expired as the grasped the full meaning. Sidney had married for money only to choke on someone else’s debts. His sacrifice had been in vain, as had been hers.  
Had he sold all his property to pay the interests? But to what end? Bankruptcy seemed unavoidably if the papers indeed told the truth. What goods could be worth such a fortune and why had their transport not been insured?  
Charlotte felt how all the questions spun in her head. The situation was grave indeed. The loss of colour in Sidney’s face matched the direness of his prospects all of a sudden. Why did he not tell his friends, his family? She had seen enough, Sidney owed her some answered. She grabbed the letters and wanted to rush out. She found the front door still looked. After a moment of thought, she opened one of the windows and climbed out. 

Back in Trafalgar House, Charlotte found Tom and Mary in the dining hall. They sat in silence. She did greet them quietly, and they nodded in return. Charlotte could hear Lord Babington shout upstairs. She had never expected to witness an incident when the calm and collected Lord Babington lost his temper. But when it came to Sidney nothing was impossible, it appeared. She glanced through the hall and saw Ms. Johns play the piano forte in an attempt to divert the children from all the unrest in their home. Charlotte did not care, she headed straight for the staircase.  
“That woman has poisoned you, my friend! My offer still stands, you can take the position to oversee the reconstruction of Denham Place. But, Sidney, whatever you do, stay away from London!”, Lord Babington demanded. The door was not fully closed, and she could observe Sidney walk back and forth near the far side of the bed. It was good to see him back on his feet though the circumstances could not be more worrying.  
“Whatever it is, that is ailing you, Sidney, I can only hold out my hand. You have to take it yourself. We nearly lost Crowe last year. We pulled him out of that ditch together and you know how he's doing better now because he accepted help. But I am at a loss here…” Babington’s voice echoed through the room. Sidney stopped his pacing but did not respond.  
“Did you do what I asked you for?”, Sidney wanted to know instead. “I did. I retrieved the documents.” Babington paused. “And I read them…”, he added a little later. “You did what?” Sidney’s outburst rang in Charlotte’s ears.  
“Why do you gift your fortune to your nephews and nieces, Sidney?” Sidney sighed audibly. Charlotte had just been handed another piece of the puzzle and it did not quite fit the equation. Sidney still did not answer.  
“Why do you poison yourself?” Lord Babington was determined to not let Sidney get away with his silence and his persistence was finally rewarded. “What now? You searched my room as well?”, Sidney spat.  
“Your flask. What kind of poison do you keep in there, Sidney? Look at yourself, even a blind man can see you’re unwell!”  
A moment passed and Charlotte wanted to make use of the silence to step inside as Sidney started speaking again. “It‘s not what you’re thinking, Samuel. I swear on the grave of my mother and father!” Sidney made another of these empty promises.  
Lord Samuel Babington had heard enough. Sidney did not hold him back. So, his friend left shaking his head in agony as he passed Charlotte in front of the door. She entered without giving Sidney time to recover.

His jaw was clenched and his face pale, but upon seeing her his features softened. “Charlotte…” They stared each other down and Charlotte shut the door for good. It was only the two of them now.  
“How much did you hear?”, Sidney asked. “Enough…”, she replied. He tried to smile but he failed. “It was me. I searched your room.” “Did you?” He sounded defeated; all the passion gone. “And what did you find apart from the contents of my flask, Constable Heywood? Do your worst!”  
She threw the letters onto the bed and again Sidney’s lips curved upward the tiniest bit. But the joy did not reach his eyes.  
“Why? What is all of this about? Why do you poison yourself? I did not want to believe it, but the letters could not be any clearer. You’re ruined, aren’t you?”, she flooded the room with her questions. Sidney seemed to drown a little faster if each new word.  
“Why? Is it her? Why kill yourself slowly?” Charlotte held up the flask and her voice had grown thin. She felt sick.  
Sidney sat down on the covers. “It’s not poison”, he said. “It’s insurance, as are the letters.” Charlotte faced him in disbelief.  
“It’s made from some kind of pokeweed, in case somebody really wants to poison me. I used more than I had intended to”, Sidney admitted. Once more he attempted to smile. “It’s protection, you see…” All of a sudden, his lips were no longer sealed, and the only matter of importance seemed to be that she understood his reasoning.  
She could not stand his hollow gaze and looked out of the window. “How often?”, she demanded. “More often than I should”, he explained. She could feel the tears well up in her eyes. Herr Fuchs had said Sidney's throat was scabby. He had spat out the contents of his stomach so often in fear of being poisened that his flesh was scarred. Charlotte could not afford to linger on the thought.  
“Why marry you and murder you after? What did she gain with your hand in marriage?”, Charlotte asked instead, her voice cold as ice. “I was no more than the means to an end, I suppose. But I never full-filled my purpose. I found out about the debts a week after the wedding. It’s probably why Eliza became a widow in the first place. Lord Cumberland approached me even before the wedding to get close to Georgiana. When I found out the sunken ship in the letters was his, I drew the conclusion he wanted to marry Georgiana and I, as her guardian, should bless the union. That is why Eliza courted me. As I did not do what they wanted from me I became an unnecessary risk. She administers the poison, but Lord Cumberland is the mind behind it all.” Sidney did not speak on.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”, Charlotte asked. “I wanted to spare you the truth and I didn’t want to shove you into harm’s way. They are dangerous, Charlotte!” She knew exactly what truth he meant, the bitter conclusion that their broken hearts had served no purpose. Their pain had saved nobody.  
She turned around and it took all her strength to face him again. “Please say, you believe me”, he begged. Charlotte reached deep into her pocket and found the shell was still there.  
“I do”, she said. And she could see how a single tear escaped one of his eyes and he immediately shifted to tame his emotions. His hands were kneading a piece of cloth. It was the scarf she had left at his bedside. His fingers clung to the little pattern she had stitched so neatly.  
With five strides she bridged the distance between them and cupped his restless hands. She looked up and this time underneath all his uncertainty she could glimpse a spark of hope.  
“Why hasn’t Lord Cumberland pressed his claim yet? And what goods could be so valuable to justify the numbers in the letters?” “Charlotte…” He smiled, but there was no joy in his expression. “You should be a Constable indeed. Your first question is answered by the second. I haven’t found all the proof I need yet, but I’m certain the goods were no goods at all.” His face had turned even darker than before. “Slaves?” Sidney nodded and Charlotte’s mouth went dry.  
“But that’s illegal! Trading slaves in the Empire is outlawed, isn’t it?” “Indeed it is. That is the reason why Cumberland won’t press the issue publicly. He would face trial. But nothing will recover those innocent lives lost at sea”, Sidney declared. Charlotte gulped in horror. She had just learned how dreadful it felt to be surrounded by water. She could not imagine how much worse it must feel to be chained to the sinking ship. Her features turned grey, and Sidney drew her closer. For a moment they just stood there, hugging each other and capturing the scope of the tragedy and cruelty that Sidney had uncovered.  
Charlotte gathered her strength and straightened her back. Then she looked up, Sidney’s face had regained its steadiness as well.  
“How long do you want to play charades with them? You cannot uphold this pretence much further. It’s crushing you. You have a plan, I take it?”, Charlotte asked. She had been right all along.  
“I have. Nearly all pieces are in place. I need to be penniless. I gave my fortune to Henry, little James, and the girls, so Eliza and Lord Cumberland cannot steal anything else from my family. That’s why I gave up my business. I will confront Eliza and Lord Cumberland, as soon as I have all I need. Tom and Mary don’t know. They cannot know, or they are easy prey for Lord Cumberland. He will not dare to touch me, my family, or Georgiana for that matter after he realises, I can take him down with me. If Cumberland ever presses his claim in public, I might be ruined but he will gain nothing from it.” “Sidney, you cannot do this. What about you, your future?”  
Charlotte felt her anger boiling up again. She grabbed his arms tightly. “Why did you invite me here when you intend to throw your life away for the sake of someone else?”  
Sidney smiled sadly. “Don’t you remember? I told you.” His voice was warm and soothing now. “I am my best self, my truest self when I’m with you. And I can only live through this as my best self”, he whispered. She wanted to slap him, and her arms beat his chest, her hands flat, the rhythm unsteady.

He calmed her by peppering her forehead with soft kisses. His hands rubbed up and down her back.  
“Do you trust me, Charlotte?” He fixed her. “I do. But swear on your soul you’re not hiding anything else.” “I promise.” “You’re not sick?”, she demanded.  
“I’m just tired of this pretence. I haven’t eaten in days and my throat is sore from drinking Mr. Chen’s pokeweed juice too often.” “Mr. Chen?” “Yes, he was very helpful and thankfully he can keep secrets.” Sidney paused for a short moment. “I am very thankful he found my sister, too”, he added.  
“What about Christmas Day?”, Charlotte continued her interrogation. “It was the first time Eliza tried to poison me. I had watched her putting something into my wine, so I asked Mr. Chen for his advice. But I had not worked out how much pokeweed juice I needed”, he explained. “I also took a medication to mimic arsenic poisoning and I fell ill as a consequence. I've never tried to imitate symptoms again. It’s bad enough to eat so sparsely when I’m in London. Also, arsenic was just a guess. In truth, I don’t know what she used.”  
Charlotte remembered how thin he was, how much he had shrunk. She did not want to torment him any longer by dwelling on the matter. Instead she would make sure he knew she was there for him, all the way.  
“You’re not alone in this. Do you hear me?”, she proclaimed. Sidney's face lit up with heartfelt gratitude and something more. Then his hands reached for her face. His fingers cupped her cheeks and his mouth covered hers. It was neither shy, nor coy. He had longed for her taste far too long. Soon Sidney deepened the kiss as his hands wandered to the back of her head. Charlotte folded hers at his neck and her fingernails dug shallow trenches in his skin.  
Her eyes had closed, and she felt how Sidney's lips parted. She heard his every breath and sensed how her own body melted into the urgency of his touch. She softly bit his bottom lip. And then, he stopped. Their embrace was less thight now, and Sidney needed to catch his breath.  
“Forgive me”, he whispered and took a step back, but Charlotte grabbed his hands. “Don’t go back to London. Not for a month at least. You need to rest!”, she demanded. Sidney’s eyes had grown, and she encountered something she had never seen before. Something close to thirst, but her body told her it was a thirst of a very different kind. He was desperately trying to conceal what was happening to him, but he failed miserably.  
The warmth inside Charlotte that had stirred at his touch, gave her the strength to demand even more. “You will take Lord Babington’s offer. I, in return, will take the letters to hide them. And you will eat at least three meals a day, Mr. Parker!”  
He chuckled at that. “You demand a lot, Ms. Heywood. But I will do my utmost to meet your expectations”, he replied, and a laugh escaped his lips, the lower one still sore from her treatment. He had gathered his senses and pressed a firm kiss onto her cheek. They had silently agreed the rules of propriety no longer applied to them. He was married to the devil. What should happen to them? They were in hell already, and they would only survive it together.


	8. The quiet before the plunge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all cosy. Enjoy the peace while it's around.

Sidney did suffer from more than a simple cold the next days but it was far from the disastrous picture they had all drawn in their minds. He was exhausted and sick, but he was not wasting away.  
So, Sidney did mostly do two things the following fortnight, eating and sleeping. Charlotte had strictly ordered him to do nothing else. She was very pleased with his compliance. In fact, his noon rest often lasted till supper.  
The second day after their quarrel, Lord Babington came back to Trafalgar House to visit his friend. It fell to Charlotte to inform him that Sidney was indisposed and could not receive him. Charlotte filled him also in on the news that Sidney had changed his mind on the position to oversee the reconstruction works at Denham Place.  
“So, he talked to you and you changed his mind, Ms. Heywood?” She was a tad shy about his remark. “He did talk to me, and it was his decision to take your generous offer. He will start with the work first thing when he’s back on his feet”, she promised.  
Two days later, Charlotte overheard Sidney and Tom talking to each other. “I’m glad you’re truly resting. You don’t need to hurry back to work. Everything is on order”, Tom said.  
Charlotte did not enter but she could literally see Sidney’s features in front her. He wore that helpless, tiny half smile on his face he always pulled whenever his mind had nothing clever to say. But Tom had not finished.  
“You know, little brother, I understand why you keep me at arm’s length. I have not earned your trust. Since you came back from Antigua, you’ve saved me from ruin time and again. I can never repay you. And I can never unbreak what I shattered when you married … her for all our sakes. You owned up my mistake. But know, whatever comes to pass, Sidney, you will always have a home here.”  
Maybe Sidney was flabbergasted by his older brother for the first time. It took a while till he answered, his voice serious and very quiet. Charlotte could barely make out the words.  
“You have my trust, dear Tom. We are all far from perfect, and though it’s true, I did resent you for your shortcomings in business matters. But that is in the past, Tom. This is about something else and to not tell you is to protect you, all of you. I hope you can forgive me that I cannot share everything. And in a time not too far from now, I may come back to what you’ve just offered. I’m thankful to have a safe haven with you and Mary far away from London. Truly.”  
“Do what you must, Sidney. I’ll just stand by my offer”, Tom replied. That was all. Had Charlotte been at odds with her sister, they might have fought louder but they would also reconcile in a heartfelt embrace. But men were men, and Parkers were Parkers. Who was she to judge their ways? She was a Heywood after all.

After a week and a half, Sidney started to complain about everything. Charlotte had regularly tortured Sidney by reading to him. But she did not just read random books. She picked the finest romantic novels literature had to offer. Sidney hated the plain and at the same time over the top stories. Charlotte loved that he hated it, and he, in return, enjoyed her happiness.  
Doing nothing was tedious and probably the biggest challenge for Sidney in a long time. The meals were prepared stomach and throat friendly in accordance with Mr. Chen’s and Herr Fuchs’s advice. Friendly was a nice expression for bland. Charlotte was in secret amused by his childish attitude and grinned every time he pulled a snout.  
On the twelfth day, not even the whole Parker family could have made Sidney hold back any longer. He fled all the caring stares, the well-meant words and the endlessly helping hands as he sneaked out early in the morning.  
Charlotte found him much later on horseback, when he returned from what had been a lengthy ride along the clifftops Charlotte assumed. To her satisfaction, he wore the neckerchief she had embroidered as well as his long black coat, this combination would keep him warm enough.

“Charlotte, are you tracking me?”, he greeted a little amused. “I am most certainly not! But why are you already riding out in this rather unpleasant weather?” Indeed, the air was filled with a morning drizzle and the standard Sanditon breeze.  
“I could ask you the same!”, he countered. Then both their faces lit up in laughter.  
“In fact, I inspected the meadows around Denham Place. I took a proper look at the house as well”, he added more serious.  
“We agreed you don’t work until you’re well enough to do so!” “We did, Ms. Heywood. Am I to assume you’re the judge of my well-being now? Then, I fear, I’ll never rise from the sickbed ever again, will I?” She hated it when he teased her. She also loved him for it, but she would not tell. And he did look better, healthy almost. His spirits had obviously found back to him.  
They both were far enough out of town to be sure nobody was watching them. Therefore, even the cautious side of Charlotte was happy to prolong the conversation.  
“And what exactly are you doing here if you’re not looking for me?” “I’m taking a walk. Is that so unheard of where you are from? I can remember quite clearly that we got lost during a stroll on a different morning two years ago." Now she was teasing him, and he rewarded her with his smirk where just one corner of his mouth arched upward while the rest formed a straight line as if nothing had happened.  
“Would you care for a ride?”, he asked out of the blue. “I can ride. I utterly dislike side-saddles though.” “Not very ladylike of you to admit to that, Ms. Heywood. But do not worry, Charlotte. We are one horse short! You needn’t endure using this outrageous appliance!”  
With that he reached out with his hand as an invitation. For a short moment she did not quite understand. As it dawned on her that he wanted them both to mount the same horse, she started giggling.  
“You cannot be serious!” “I am”, he confirmed. Still chuckling and maybe with a tiny flush on her cheeks, she grabbed his hand. In an instant she found herself sitting in his lap. With one arm he held the reins, the other formed a rest for her back to lean into.  
He had never been this close before, not when he was aware what he was doing. Yes, they had kissed, twice. But this was different. She depended completely on his care while riding. The horse started moving and Charlotte felt her weight shifting with every hoofbeat. Still she felt safe and sound.  
Sidney brought her to Denham Place. They explored the estate together and Sidney explained which improvements the Babingtons wanted to make. Charlotte was smitten with the building, but she had to admit the repairs were necessary. Water dropped from the ceiling of half the rooms. The building was far more modest than Sanditon House which gave Denham Place its charm.  
Apparently, Samuel and Esther wanted to refurbish the estate in order to let it later. It would provide accommodation for wealthier summer guests who wanted to escape the narrow lanes of Sanditon.

It was early in the afternoon when Sidney and Charlotte finally returned to town. At some point the drizzle had retreated and the sun had conquered a blue sky. Not far from the first houses, they both left the saddle. Sidney helped her down by lifting her up swiftly. As her feet touched the ground again, his hands lingered a little longer than necessary on her hips, before his fingers intertwined with hers. She had sat on his legs for the better part of the morning and still she could not bring herself to feel bad about her actions. He sorted her fingers again as if they were tangled. The little grey strand not far from his hairline twinkled in the sun, and Charlotte started to think it actually suited him.  
“Thank you, Sidney!”, she whispered. “It was my pleasure!” His smile and the sparks in his eyes cracked her open from head to heart. Where had this man been hiding?  
They resumed walking and relished each other’s company in silence. They met a few familiar faces along the way. There was Arthur who was overjoyed to find Sidney in good health again. Then, Georgiana just beamed at them as she crossed the road with Mr. Russel and some other men and women, who all shared her dark complexion.

At last, they met Lord and Lady Babington. She was dressed in a dream of olive-green silk. Babington was clothed more practical and most of his body disappeared behind the stroller in which the tiny Ms. Babington played with her wooden toys. The little girl was called Jane. She had her mother’s fair skin as well as her lively red curls. Little Jane had also the heart-warming smile of her father.  
“Mr. Parker, Ms. Heywood!”, Esther greeted. Lord Babington popped up behind the stroller and beamed with joy. Being a father became him.  
They exchanged pleasantries and Sidney explained what he found in Denham Place. Lord Babington added that the architect had just arrived, and the men agreed to meet him right away. It was Esther who interrupted their conversation.  
“Forgive me, Mr. Parker. Where did you acquire this exquisite neckcloth? And you wear it in the hunting style - in town. How daring!”, she chuckled. But her interest in the little cravat’s origin was genuine.  
“It’s just a plain linen neckcloth with a little embroidery”, Charlotte declared eventually, and Sidney looked down to her. “But the detail is breath-taking, Charlotte!”, Esther continued her praise.  
“I have an eye for exceptional needle work. I constantly redecorated and refitted my dresses to give the impression to have a new dress for every day. I never trusted my chambermaid with it. But embroidery in that quality is a rare sight.”  
“Isn’t the neckerchief usually plain, white”, Charlotte doubted her own decision to add a little detail to the cloth.  
“Precisely! Who looks for more of the usual, the ordinary, Charlotte? Fashion is about creating something brand new and your shell design is delicate and subtle, and yet decorative. A true masterpiece! May I take a closer look at it?”  
Sidney smiled quietly and freed his neck from the fabric. He never had intended to wear it in the hunting style as Esther had referred to it. Charlotte could read his face. He had just grabbed the scarf closest to his bedside. He had put in on, so it would keep him warm. He had no desire to return with the next cough as he feared to be imprisoned for another fortnight.  
Mostly he was a dandy and did his best to look fashionable but this day he really had not given it any thought.  
Maybe a small other part of the truth was that he picked it because Charlotte had made it. He side-eyed her as if he were asking for permission to hand over her gift. She nodded slightly, and Esther started palpating her work.  
“May I use your design to embroider more pieces with it?” “I’m flattered. Of course, Lady Babington!” “No please, it’s Esther!” 

Esther handed back the neckcloth and she took off soon after. Little Jane waved goodbye as her mother headed for the store. Lord Babington, Sidney and Charlotte went on to meet the ominous architect.  
They entered Tom’s study and found him, the architect, and James Stringer philosophising about supporting elements such as pillars or arches. James was talking with his hands as much as with his mouth. He lived and breathed every word he said.  
“Lord Babington!” “Mr. Stringer, Tom! Mr. Stone, it’s a delight my offer could lure you out of London!”, Samuel replied greeting everybody. “Lord Babington, the pleasure is all mine. To be honest, I’m killing two birds with one stone here”, the architect replied. He laughed at his own words. He was about fifty and the many wrinkles around his mouth revealed he laughed a lot.  
“It’s not just the offer that brought me here. It’s a certain young man who refused to come to London two years ago. And if the talent does not come to London anymore, I have to collect the talent before it's recognised by some other lucky fellow.”  
James flushed and his gaze fell to the floor, and Charlotte was nearly bursting with joy. He got what he had been working for so hard, and contrast to his father’s beliefs James did not even have to leave Sanditon. With this position he could officially ask Mr. Heywood for Alison’s hand. James already owned a refurnished apartment as part of his payment as foreman. Alison and James could set sail together and it made Charlotte smile.

As Sidney was doing much better, Charlotte decided to step aside a little for her own sanity. Eliza would not just disappear. Sidney was still very much married with her. Two more weeks passed, and Charlotte barely saw him except from occasional encounters during beach strolls she took with Alison or Georgiana.  
The whole town was buzzing with excitement as the annual Cricket Match was about to start. In contrast to Charlotte’s earlier participation in the tournament, there was now an official permit by the Umpire to welcome one or two ladies in the team. 

Last year, Georgiana and another heiress had joined the gentlemen’s team. Now Georgiana tried to persuade Charlotte to try her luck a second time. She was not very successful in her efforts though. Alison, however, had open ears for such proposals. Of course, she would join the team of James Stringer. Georgiana just rolled her eyes and they all laughed.  
They trained on the beach. Charlotte had to bowl the whole time as Georgiana and Alison were not even throwing far enough to reach the other end of the pitch.  
“Alison you need to swing the bat with more momentum, otherwise you never protect the wicket!”, Charlotte shouted across the improvised pitch on the beach she had built. She had learnt to measure a distance in yards. It was not the pastime Ms. Johns would agree with because Charlotte’s yard steps forced her to gather up her skirts and her stockings flashed up every time.  
She had no idea she was being watched by curious eyes who enjoyed the view. As he finally drew closer, his sardonic smirk matched his wide strides. “Are you in need of a proper bowler, Ladies?”  
Alison and Georgiana intuitively knew who was being teased here. “No, thank you! We’re doing just fine, Mr. Parker!”, Charlotte replied and bowled anew. This time the ball was fast and completely stripped down the wicket behind a dumbfounded Alison who had not even seen it coming. Sidney was still being a gentleman and smiled at Charlotte’s achievement.  
“I hear your sister joins Mr. Stringer’s team. Would you do me and my brothers the honour of supporting us again this year?” How could she refuse him?

The next morning, Charlotte was abducted to secret training lessons. Sidney came to Alison’s and her apartment rudely early. It was still dark although it was late spring. She was stunned by his proposal to work her batsmanship on the lawn next to Denham Place. Alison was even more shocked as her Charlotte got dressed in a hurry to accompany him.  
“That’s not proper, Charlotte!”, she whispered in the dark. “Rooftop picnics are not proper either, are they?”, Charlotte hissed.  
“But isn’t Sidney Parker the man who broke your heart? Charlotte, he’s married now. You cannot throw away yourself like that!”  
“You should not judge matters you have not the faintest understanding of! It was never his fault. And we are friends! And as you said, he is married, so you have nothing to worry about!”  
With that Charlotte stormed out. Sidney was surprised by her sudden haste but did not question it. Instead they both hopped in the small carriage Sidney had brought and took off into a promising sunrise. But nothing ever stays the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready to explore the final chapter? The last chapter is the reason for the M rating.
> 
> Sorry it's taking ages. 
> 
> 1 I am half way through with the last chapter (9.11.)  
> 2 Corona is just a nightmare again and I have to reorganise my real life around it a second time this year.  
> 3 Stay safe. Stay healthy. I'll finish this, but it might still take another week. Sorry.


	9. Letting go and holding tight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end. It starts cozy, turns really unpleasant but ends on a high note as promised and as indeed needed in this year that 2020 turned out to be...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took an age to finish this and I'm sorry for that. But here it is. Be aware this is what earned the whole story its mature rating.

Sidney looked at her. His eyes were unreadable. Charlotte held the cricket bat in both hands and was finding her stance. Then, Sidney headed for the other end of the pitch. He took a run-up and bowled. He was not holding back, and the ball flew swiftly like a bolt toward her. Charlotte swung the bat quickly grasping the wood with all the strength of her arms. Her eyes checked the position of her grip and within the blink of an eye all was over. She had missed.  
After three more failed attempts to protect the wicket, Sidney rushed back to her and looked like the day he had invited her into the rowing boat. Charlotte pouted and he smirked as the devil himself. “You are in need of a teacher, Ms. Heywood!”  
“I assume you can show me…” “I can teach you a lot of things”, Sidney replied. Charlotte had believed she would never blush again, but her thoughts were so improper after his remark that she turned into a strawberry in an instant, sweet and red.  
Sidney did not comment on her change of colour. Instead, he embraced her from behind and covered her hands with his. “Not so tightly. You must give the bat leeway to work in your favour. Let it go. And never focus on the bat while swinging it. Fix the ball. Always focus on the target, especially when it’s moving”, he whispered next to her ear. With his words she had turned her head to look up to him.  
“Are you aiming at me, Ms. Heywood?” He smiled and his brows arched in amusement.  
In response she kissed him on his chin and even for that she had to rise to her tiptoes.

He had been right, concentrating on the ball was much more effective than worrying about the bat too much. With the new strategy she got one in two balls. Afterwards they settled on the meadow next to a pond.  
“I should teach you to swim as well”, Sidney noted. “I’m quite capable, thank you!”, Charlotte claimed. “I did make it ashore, didn’t I?” “Barely!” “I can do a lot of things. I can drive a coach, I can shoot and hunt with a rifle. I can make a fire in the wild and I can, if need be, even plough a field!”  
Sidney laughed out loudly. “Why am I not surprised, Charlotte? Shooting and hunting… You could join the gentlemen at dinner.” There was no mockery in this voice, only joy. Maybe even acclaim.  
“Who taught you, Sidney?” “Taught me what? Swimming?” “Yes, swimming, cricket. Being such a presumptuous man…”  
Sidney’s eyes wandered off at her final words, and his lips formed a line. Had she dug too deep? Were there still walls between them she had no permission to climb over?

After a long while he answered. “Tom mostly. After Arthur’s mother had passed, father retreated to his work. Losing two women in childbirth is more than any man can take, I believe. Tom was more father to us than him. And Tom never quite left this role ever since. He was already married and had children of his own when Arthur grew up, to the degree my little brother ever grew up…”, Sidney explained and smiled for a brief moment before his face turned sombre again.  
Charlotte had not missed the horrible piece of information that was hidden in his statement. Arthur had never known his mother. But neither had Sidney being the second youngest Parker sibling.  
“Diana took up the role as mother as best as she could, but she was a timid child who had seen two young women die before she had turned ten. You know how she is with Arthur. My father never saw it. He was a businessman through and through. He married his work at last. One day he fell asleep in his study and did not wake up the morning after, his hand still grasping his book with his beloved numbers. Tom always tried to live up to his expectations. I fear, his whole Sanditon endeavour started out as another attempt to please father somehow…”

Sidney spoke of his whole family. They were all there, all but himself. “Excuse me, am I boring you?”, he added and shook his head a little as if he had to get rid of his line of thought.  
“No”, Charlotte said rubbing her thumb softly over the back of his hand in order to reassure him she was indeed listening closely.

A little later, it started to rain, and they fled hand in hand into the house. The scaffolding in front of the main entrance had already been erected. The little fountain in the back garden was not spluttering that day, maybe the plumbing was inspected, too.  
When Sidney had built a fire, they settled next to each other on exquisite furniture and Charlotte hoped she did not stain it with her dress after she had sat in the grass for so long.  
Most of the furnishings were covered with cloth to save them from the dust. But some were not. There was a desk in the middle of the room overflowing with papers. Charlotte’s curiosity awoke.  
“Are you working here, inside the house?” “I work and live here for the time being. I sold all my property as you know, and I cannot spend my whole day with Tom and his family. I love them dearly, but they can be a handful.” They smiled in unison.  
Charlotte leaned the bat on the left arm of the couch and then she fell onto his shoulder without thinking about it. Soon his chin rested on the top of her head and she could feel him breathe. She had not heard him cough once the whole morning. 

“My wife will attend the cricket tomorrow”, Sidney announced out of thin air. Charlotte was thrown back into reality and she hated herself for having trodden too long on the treacherous path of false hope into the realm of delusions.  
“We need to keep our distance while she is here”, he added as if that were not as obvious as was the sun in a blue sky at noon. As if Charlotte would kiss him in front of Mrs. Eliza Parker’s nose.  
“Charlotte?” “What do you want me to say?” “I’m sorry. Forgive me.” He cupped her cheek with his left hand and kissed her.  
“They are dangerous…”, he repeated his unsettling warning from the night when he had revealed the truth. The ominous they, his wife, and Lord Cumberland.  
“Why is he dangerous?”, Charlotte asked trying desperately to pull her own mind away from Sidney in the poisonous grasp of Eliza. Sidney pondered her question for a moment.  
“Not too long ago he was a soldier. He was awarded more ribbons in the wars against Napoleon than any other man. Still, he left the forces. His younger brother fell in Waterloo, that’s all know. I don’t believe he cares for any living being walking under the skies but himself anymore. On top, he’s rich beyond dreams and he’s friends with the Prince Regent. That makes him the most dangerous man I’ve ever met.”

They fell asleep, she curled up in his arms. As they woke from their slumber, it was already dawning on the eastern horizon. Upon her arrival back in town, Alison just glanced at her. Her judging gaze could not harm Charlotte. Her soul was already shattered. She had invited Sidney back into her heart and now she paid the bitter price.  
Charlotte felt even more abandoned when she learnt Sidney was not attending the cricket. He was not even watching. She froze as she found out that instead of Sidney it was Lord Cumberland who made their team complete.  
To her growing horror, Cumberland side-eyed her. It was not visible to the unsuspecting audience, but Charlotte, who knew about Lord Cumberland’s subtle ways, felt his eyes creep up and down her body whenever she turned her back on him. It made her shiver, but Charlotte gave her best to look indifferent to his infamous game.

It took longer than a week until she finally met Sidney again. Lady Denham had invited the polite society of Sanditon to a dinner with music and dancing in the great hall of Sanditon House. When Charlotte got her first glance at him, she felt guilty to the bone.  
Why in the heavens did she think badly of him for keeping his distance? It cost her dearly? It was nothing in comparison to what it had done to him. Within a few days, Sidney had morphed back into a sickly-looking man, pale and silent. He looked at no one, ate nothing and had not touched his glass of wine. He was a diaphanous ghost among vibrant, glowing spirits. 

Georgiana shone brightest of them all. After the second cause, she gave a little speech in honour of Lady Denham. She started by thanking Lady Denham for her unmeasured generosity to sponsor all the balls in Sanditon during the coming season.  
Lady Denham’s cheeks lost all colour at the announcement, but she did not dare to deny the proclamation either. Georgiana invited the Chef de Cuisine into the dining hall. The man who entered had white stainless working clothes, neatly buttoned up. He smiled politely and proud and wore his chin high. The chef bowed to no one and his dark skin shimmered in the candlelight.  
The table had fallen silent and Charlotte was feeling the excitement to find out what was about to happen next. Sidney just endured the spectacle by staring at the walls. It made Charlotte’s pleasure go sour in her mouth.  
Then, Georgiana rose to her feet and started clapping and so did Lady Babington as if she had known all along what was unfolding in front of Lady Denham’s eyes. The old Lady of the county was beaten by the young woman she had belittled about two years ago. In the process Georgiana had helped many people to land on their feet in a new country. But Charlotte had no stomach for Georgiana’s victory as the world had betrayed her heart a second time. 

During the next week Sanditon emptied a little. Alison headed home to Willingden and James Stringer would follow her a week later to formally ask for her hand in marriage. Lord Babington and his wife returned to their estate for a few days. There would be an event held at the fashion store in a fortnight that needed a lot of preparation.  
Three days after their departure, Tom announced at the dinner table in Trafalgar House that Sidney would return to London with his wife the next morning. Charlotte excused herself and fled the house. Even before she had reached the door, she felt her chest quiver and silent tears streamed down her face. She ran off into the night.

At dawn, she was curled up on the couch at Denham Place, barefoot and dishevelled. This time he was not there to hold her. Sidney was leaving, maybe at this very moment he was climbing onto a coach.  
She would never see him again. She would leave Sanditon before he could return. Charlotte had to salvage what was left of herself. Her throat felt sore and her eyes were swollen. In her hands she held the embroidered neckerchief Sidney had not taken with him. It still smelled of him. But with time the scent would fade, and the thought made her stomach turn.  
She needed some air and fresh water to rid herself of the nausea. She headed for the bathroom where a washing-bowl stood on a windowsill, ready so sooth her. The water cleared her head a bit and she looked at all the other little things Sidney had abandoned. A comb. A razor blade. His Eau de Cologne. Without wasting another thought on it, she grabbed the little flask and opened it. This would be his farewell gift to her. The wanted her nose to drown in it and she inhaled deeply.  
A moment later she gasped for air. The inside of her nose was on fire. Whatever was in the flask, it was not perfume. It was another horrid kind of poison. Her throat was burning and so was her chest. Blood dripped from her nose to the floor. The neckerchief was sullied as Charlotte sank to her knees. She still had trouble to breathe and she felt the panic rise inside her.  
Just breathe, she told herself. “Let it go”, she heard him whisper. “Always focus on the target…” She summoned her wits and started to breathe through her mouth in deep, long gasps. She counted and heard him counting with her. Her vision cleared and the dizziness subsided. It was only then, that she noticed, she was not alone.

A long shadow fell from the door to her feet. She knew who it was without looking. “I have to admit, my dear, back at the beach it was a pleasure peeling your clothes from your body. It was a juicy delight to imagine what might hide underneath. But now, I doubt you belong to the fairer sex at all as there’s nothing fair about you left. I never understood what poor Sidney saw in you. And yet he was so eager to protect you. How predictable that you would end up hurt like this, even though it was not my priority to remove you from the picture. But as you offer this opportunity, I will not refuse you. You and your lover have undermined my plans for far too long…”  
With that he grabbed her and dragged her to the hall. Charlotte screamed and kicked. But it was no use, Lord Cumberland had overpowered her. He had pulled out many strands of hazelnut hair and her wrists were badly bruised by the time they got to the little fountain in the garden. And all of a sudden, Charlotte knew what Cumberland was about to do.  
“You’ll drown, no matter how much you scratch and hiss, pussy cat!” But Charlotte would not give in. The poisoned Cologne only meant Cumberland wanted to remove Sidney from the picture. And she would not let Cumberland succeed. All his ribbons would not stop her. Charlotte gathered her sensed. She knew she had just one attempt, but she knew how to hurt men – one of the advantages of growing up with so many brothers.  
“Always focus on the target…” And she did. She aimed for his groin and a moment later his tight grasp loosened. Charlotte did not waste her only chance and fled back into the house. With all force she could muster, she shouted for help. As she came back to the couch where she had slept all night, she grabbed the cricket bat that was still leaning on one arm. She could hear his steps behind her. “I’ll throw you from the highest window, you little bitch!”

Charlotte did not turn around for his insults. Instead, she started climbing the scaffolding as nimbly as a squirrel. Cumberland limped due to the blow Charlotte had landed. She reached the next level as Cumberland started to step upwards. Now it was her towering over him. But he did not seem to be impressed by her advantage and stumbled up the stairs hastily.  
Charlotte stood her ground and held onto the bat. And she shouted in the hope anyone would hear her.  
Her hands shivered, her lips trembled. But he would not win. Her eyes fixed Cumberland’s head and Charlotte swung the bat. But she missed.  
His head had not reached the next level. Instead, she heard a rattle and then Lord Cumberland fell. With a muffled thud, he landed on the gravel in front of the entrance never to move a limb again. His eyes open but empty staring at the morning sky.  
Charlotte saw somebody running down the lane before her fingers let go of the bat. It fell to the ground as well and then Charlotte sank to her knees, all resolve gone in an instant.

“Charlotte?” She heard someone talking to her. His voice was slurred. Or was it her hearing? She looked at him to find it was James Stringer. “Charlotte, do you hear me?” Her fingers were clinging on to the rail of the scaffolding, her skin cracked. As she did not answer, James lifted her up and carried her down.  
On the meadow, he tried again. “Charlotte? Are you hurt?” He looked at her swollen face and her bloody hands and nose. “What did this bastard do to you?”, James asked, and he could not conceal the anger and worry in his words. But this time his sentence reached her. “Where is he?”, Charlotte shrieked. “He’s dead, you don’t have to fear him anymore. He’s dead, Charlotte”, James tried to calm her sudden outburst.  
But Charlotte jumped to her feet not even looking at the dead man. She had not spoken about him. “Where is he? Where is Sidney?”  
James seemed confused for a moment but then said, “He left this morning. I watched him enter the coach before I left town.” With that Charlotte started to run and James followed her completely uncertain of what was going on.

It took ages to reach Trafalgar House. In Charlotte’s mind it also was a lifetime until she had convinced Tom to take her to London despite her looks. She had to explain the whole story to Dr. Fuchs, and she had to endure a thorough examination before they left.  
But all of that was nothing compared to the endless carriage ride to the capital during which Charlotte was tormented by her own thoughts. What if they came too late? What had she done to him by now?

As the coach finally halted in front of Eliza’s town house, Charlotte jumped out. She did not wait for permission, but scurried past the servant who had opened the door. She was half way up the main staircase without knowing where she was actually going when she heard his voice from the entrance hall.  
“What do you think you’re doing?”, Sidney shouted. His timbre resembled the tongue lashings from their early days. Charlotte whirled around. Upon seeing her, he fell silent. She hurried back down while her eyes were already searching his face. 

“Charlotte?”, he whispered as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. He was fine, no blood running down his cheeks, no cough came from his throat.  
“Charlotte? What’s wrong?” She was glad he had not seen her sullied and bloody and she felt thankful for the bath that Mary had forced her to take before they had departed for London. The worry in his eyes was unbearable even now.  
His hand lifted up her chin and he kissed her forehead. “Charlotte, please, what happened?” She cupped his hand with hers in an attempt to calm him down, but as he saw the dark bruises on her wrist, he loosened his grasp. “What happened? Who did that to you?”  
“I’m fine”, she proclaimed, and she could see how her lie fell flat.  
“You’re not”, Sidney set matters straight. “What happened?” His fingertips barely stroked her this time as if she could crack from the slightest touch. “Charlotte please…”, he begged. The first tear escaped the corner of his eye.  
“Lord Cumberland, he…” She felt how Sidney clenched his hand to a fist. He inhaled sharply and his teeth creaked. He did not hear her out, instead he scampered up the stairs muttering “I’ll kill them for this…”

Charlotte watched him and Tom stood in the door. As he tried to pass her, Charlotte held him back. “Don’t. This is between the three of us now. I make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. I promise…” With that she followed Sidney. She had no trouble to find the right room as Sidney yelled at Eliza and his shouting was audible in the most remote corner of the house.

“Where do you stop? Is nothing sacred to you? I will make you pay for this, I don’t care what happens to me! Do you hear me, you ...?” Sidney’s voice echoed through the walls and he looked ready to kill something. His eyes were cold as ice. Eliza cowered like a timid child and even Charlotte was afraid of him.  
“Do you have nothing to say?”, Sidney asked as loudly as before. “Wasn’t it enough to destroy me. To watch me fall apart? You’re the most hateful woman I’ve ever known. You and Lord Cumberland, I’ll tear you down with me…” 

“He’s dead”, Charlotte said. Her voice sounded strange, but she got the attention of everyone else in the room. “Who?”, asked Eliza who looked up. “Lord Cumberland is dead”, Charlotte specified. “How?”, Eliza wanted to know. “He fell off the scaffolding at Denham Place. He tripped and fell to his death.”

It was Eliza who found her voice first after Charlotte’s declaration. “I’m relieved he’s dead. I tried to protect you, Sidney.” “Protect him by poisoning him?”, Charlotte spat at her. But she only looked at her husband. Sidney still sat quietly on a chair. He hadn’t moved since Charlotte had spoken.  
“He blackmailed me with my late husband’s debts, and I didn’t know what else to do…”, Eliza continued. “You poisoned him!”, Charlotte repeated her accusation. “I never used all the poison Cumberland gave me. I…”  
“Enough!”, Sidney cut her off. He spoke quietly, but his voice sliced through her words like a knife. “Your husband is not so late, is he? I don’t want to hear your petty apology. I don’t care. I loved you once. Then I hated you for a long time. You have not the slightest idea what you did to me by leaving. But today, I don’t care.” His words made Charlotte shiver although she was not meant.  
A little later, he gave Eliza his terms to keep his mouth shut. “I’ll let you go under two conditions. Firstly, you will ask for an annulment as your beloved first husband made a miraculous reappearance to the living in the Amercias. Secondly, you will leave these shores without a penny in your pockets and take all the debts with you. You’ll find a ship this week and you’ll join your husband in poverty. There you’ll toil until the end of your days. You’ll vanish as if you had never existed!“  
Charlotte was baffled by Sidney’s words. She had never heard him speak so coldly. And what was that about Eliza’s husband? How could he be alive?  
“Sidney, please, I…” His deadly gaze alone silenced Eliza’s attempt to plea for mercy. “I’ll do what you ask of me. I’ll go. I'll find a lawyer to plead for an annulment. I'll convince them Jeffrey Campion is alive. But it might take months till we are granted…” “Lord Babington will help to quicken things!”, Sidney declared and robbed Eliza of all excuses to stay. She left the room. 

Now it was just them, Charlotte and Sidney. Tom had the curtesy to not enter. Sidney started pacing and Charlotte tried to give him room although she wanted nothing more than to hold him tight.  
“Her husband is alive?”, she dared to ask after a long while.  
“He is.” Sidney did not even look up. “Why didn’t you tell me there was hope for us…” “There isn’t!” Charlotte’s eyes widened and now he stared back. “There isn’t! Not after this. You need to get as far away from me as you can!”, he said, his voice still hard as stone. He judged himself, not her. It still hurt. It was maybe the hardest thing she had ever done, but she needed to let go, she needed to let him be for a while. So Charlotte took a walk and Tom entered the room in her stead. 

As she came back, Tom sat in the entrance hall. Sidney was nowhere to be seen.  
“Where’s your brother?” “Charlotte, we should give him some time to cool his temper”, Tom suggested. But Charlotte thought that he had have enough space. She entered without knocking, but she was not prepared for what she found.  
It was the first time Charlotte could truly see what Eliza and Lord Cumberland had done to Sidney. They had stripped him of every shred of his protection until his heart lay bare to be consumed by their poison. They had ripped out his self-esteem, root and stem. The man that was left would need a lot of time to piece back together his heart and soul, if it could be done at all. Playing charades with his whole being for two years had exhausted him.  
His eyes were still damp and swollen. He held one hand in the other and Charlotte knew he had probably broken a few knuckles by hitting a wall. Whatever he had told Eliza, with a little part of his generous heart he had still loved her. And the betrayal ran so deep that he would need all his strength to pull himself together now that he had reached the end of his odyssey. 

In the evening she bandaged his hand, but he would not even look at her. He had not spoken a single word. Instead he carressed her knee in the gentlest way, not allowing himself more proximity than that. She did not push him to do things he was not ready for. She knew he needed time. And being completely honest, so did she. Charlotte left for Sanditon a day after. Sidney needed to settle things with Eliza before her hasty departure, so he stayed behind with Tom.

Nobody attended the burial of Lord Cumberland. His tombstone gave nothing away but “A soldier.” 

Charlotte spent most her afternoons walking on the clifftops. It was more than a fortnight until Tom and Sidney finally arrived. Sidney did not speak, neither to Charlotte, nor to his siblings. Arthur, however, never stopped trying to cheer Sidney up. She watched the brothers walking here and there. Arthur spoke and Sidney listened. At least she hoped he did.  
The only time a thin smile arose on his features was when he saw his new nephew, born to Mr. Chen and Mrs. Chen. He wished them well and excused himself. 

Summer had nearly passed and Alison’s wedding was barely a week away. Even Mr. Heywood had agreed to attend although he had never left Wilingden before. Charlotte helped her sister with the dress that Lady Babington had tailored herself. The little Ms. Jane Babington marvelled at the bride to be with the cutest face. Charlotte’s smile was not genuine, but nobody blamed her.  
In the evening, Charlotte would have her own dress fitting. Though she was still glad that Alison and James had found their luck, her chest felt heavy and burdened and she was in no mood for festivities of any shape or size. Instead, she wandered to the clifftops, probably for the thousandth time.  
As she looked to the sea, she could observe how Sidney undressed. She did not mean to stare, but she missed him. He always took a bath in the sea to clear his head. Charlotte wondered how many times this method had failed him since he was back from London. She decided to walk down to the cove where they had shared a surprise encounter before. She needed to see him face to face. She wanted to smooth out the lines on his forehead. She wanted him to smile. 

By the time she got to the beach, he was already clothed again. Just his coat was still lying on the beach. “Charlotte…”, was all he had to say.

“What are you doing here?”, he tried again. Charlotte gulped and counted the grains underneath her feet in despair. She had no idea what she was actually doing.  
“How is the water?”, she asked him as nothing else came to mind. “Cold.” “And do like the weather?” “Not particularly…” They looked at each other.  
It was him who broke the wall that stood between their true selves. “How are you?”, he asked. A tiny question and yet the biggest of them all. His voice was silent and guilt ridden. They were ten steps apart, to Charlotte it felt much more. “I’m fine. Truly”, she tried to get a little closer.  
Sidney searched her faces for lies. “I’m so sorry for what he did to you.” The words tumbled out of his mouth and it cost him dearly to hold up his gaze. “I’m fine, Sidney. Nothing happened. I swear.”  
“He didn’t…?” Sidney could not finish the question, but Charlotte had guessed what he meant. She firmly shook her head and walked over to him. “No, he didn’t.” His eyes fell to the beach again.  
“Look at me!”, she demanded. Sidney obeyed. “He didn’t touch me that way. I promise. I’m fine.” “I’m so sorry”, he mumbled again. "Nothing of it was of your making. Nothing, Sidney." She doubted he believed her words.

They took a stroll on the beach in silence. Half the time they walked side by side, or even hand in hand. Once Charlotte waded through the waves alone and Sidney followed with his eyes. The hem of her dress was wet, but she did not care. He felt guilty for something he did not do. He took the blame for a crime he did not commit. His specialty, she concluded. But even his shoulders could not carry the skies all by himself. He was not the giant Atlas, only a man although he stubbornly denied it. How could she lift that boulder from his heart?  
When they returned to their cove, the afternoon had arrived. Sidney was looking at the stone wall that blocked the sight to Sanditon as if he were pondering their options. Charlotte had no intention of retreating into town already. Instead, she was about to advance. He was calm enough to let her speak now. At least she hoped he was.

“I’m proud of you because you let her go, Sidney. I know part of you still loved her or at least wanted her to be a decent woman. But, I also know you care for me deeper than you ever have for her. You talk to me. You trust me with your worries and your shortcomings as do I.” He looked surprised but not sad. He did not shy away from the conversation. The first step on a long way. "How did you learn her husband is alive?", Charlotte ventured a little further. And this time he was ready to answer. "She received a necklace with her initials. It was proof to me, but to nobody else. I remember that necklace. Eliza paraded it around London when she got engaged ten years ago." 

"Do you trust me, Sidney?" "You know, I do! But how can you ever trust me again after what happened?" They fell silent as Charlotte knew some words still lay on his tongue and he needed to finish before she could answer.

"I cannot protect you. Instead, I turned you into a target by loving you”, he explained, his voice frail again. At last the die was cast. It was the first time he had named the feeling although his eyes had been screaming this truth for a lot longer.  
“You did protect me. You showed me how to protect myself, Sidney. Without the strength you gave me, I wouldn’t have come down from the scaffolding. He would have drowned me like an animal in the fountain.”  
She could see how he was puzzled and worried by her words.  
“We make each other strong, Sidney. You don’t have to change for me. I love you and want you the way you are. With every scar and every flaw. And I want you to teach me all those things we spoke about by the pond…” He smiled briefly and maybe Sidney Parker flushed a bit as well. It suited him far more than the sad eyes from the past months.  
“There is not much I can teach you, Charlotte”, he replied. “How about swimming?”, Charlotte tried to tease him. He chuckled and he thought she meant it. They kissed tenderly before he took off his shirt.  
“Now?”, Charlotte asked. “Not now?”, he looked confused again. Nethertheless they both entered the water. “I’d hoped you would teach me something else…” His gaze lingered on her as if he had to check she was being serious.  
"It is not proper. I want to do right by you. The annulment hasn’t been granted yet…”, Sidney said.  
“I don’t care about proper, Sidney. I chose you a long time ago. I love you”, she declared and kissed him firmly. “Well then”, he answered, and his eyes twinkled. The spark lit a fire which she had seen before and she wanted to be consumed from head to toe by his flames. “Well then”, she whispered back and bit his earlobe softly.

There was enough time left till they had to return to town. Time to let go a little, but never completely lose touch. And plenty of time to hold on to each other as tightly as possible. Time to pick the morning star from the sky in a few hours. And time to learn about the countless wonders life still had in store for them. Charlotte was eager to uncover them all – with him.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for waiting so long for this chapter to close. Thank you for reading these 25,000 words. What an insane ride it's been! I hope you have a safe, sound, healthy and joyful Christmas! Best wishes to all of you and happy 2021!

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Sanditon sister or brother, I usually write in my mother tongue. I'm not an English native speaker - sorry for all the honest language mistakes.


End file.
